1 January 2019

Miranda's Blog

Miranda Hernandez
January 1, 2019

I’ve been quiet for a while. I had heard the second year after loss is more difficult, and I think I’m starting to understand. Sometimes life is simply heartbreaking. Sometimes the worst thing about heartbreak is that life still goes on.

Close up of Adrian's Elephant and Adrian's first birthday cake. The cake is white with teal and gray decorations. (Miranda Hernandez) — Adrian’s Elephant and his first birthday cake (Miranda Hernandez)

Adrian’s birthday happened in June. I held his memorial, published his site. I never thought that meant I’d be healed, but I had hoped for some measure of peace. Instead, I fell completely apart.

Relationships became difficult, work almost impossible. I pulled on the support of everything I knew. After giving serious consideration to checking myself into the hospital, I started on antidepressants. They are one of the tools currently helping me through.

Miranda and Amy Anne at the vets office on the day Amy Anne was put to sleep. Miranda is wearing a long-sleeve gray shirt and cuddling Amy inside of a light green blanket (photo taken by a friend) — Miranda and Amy Anne (photo taken by a friend)

When things started to feel minutely better, I had to say goodbye to one of my strongest comforts — the beautiful soul inside my Amy Anne. For weeks afterwards, I would almost forget, looking forward to seeing her face upon coming home. Loss is hard. I will always miss her. I will always miss my son.

Trail at Pinnacles National Park. There is a wooden half-fence and the back of a sign in the foreground, and a few trees in the background (Miranda Hernandez) — Trail at Pinnacles National Park (Miranda Hernandez)

In November I experienced another heartbreak. I don’t think dating is ever easy. I’m still working through it. I’m looking for my peace.

Close up of Charles Xavier in Miranda's lap. Charles is a gorgeous beagle puppy, and he is looking at the camera (Miranda Hernandez) — Charles Xavier (Miranda Hernandez)

One of the best decisions I made was adopting a second dog. He’s a toothy, shoe-stealing handful, and I love him to absolute pieces. He holds the lightest parts of my heart.

Aerial view of the Bay of Islands, New Zealand, as taken from a helicopter. There are small islands in view, surrounded by clear blue-green water (Miranda Hernandez) — Aerial view of the Bay of Islands (Miranda Hernandez)

In December, I had a break from school. I took some time to organize the house, then flew to New Zealand. It was absolutely beautiful, and I still miss the warmth. I thought I might write there, but I mostly just breathed.

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This has been such a long year, and every time I think I’m okay, I find new heartbreak; new fears. I also find new joy.

Because the day before I said goodbye to Amy Anne, I took a chance on bringing new life into this world. And I am both terrified and ecstatic to announce that this spring, my Adrian James will become a big brother. And this is both the most scary and most beautiful thing I will ever see.