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This website and your words are stunning, and are a beautiful tribute to your Adrian. As I was reading through, I was thinking back to the early days of loss and how reading the words of others had helped me to find my own. It was one of the only things that brought any kind of comfort during that time. As much as I wish that no one else would ever be in that place, I know that there will be folks who will find themselves in that awful (understatement) spot. Your words and what you share here could help to make that place a bit less lonely. A welcome bit of comfort during the 4 am grief-googling.
The amount of effort, thought, heart, care, consideration, and love love love that you put into every part of this project is so evident. Many congratulations on the launch of your site. Sending you love, and remembering your boy with you today.
I retyped that one simple word numerous times...
I don’t know how to coherently put together everything I am feeling and wanting to say right now. Nothing seems “right” and I want to choose my words carefully, as I realize the power they hold.
I remember the conversation we had about you being a single mom by choice. It was over Chipotle, I think my first trip there. That day, I found out a lot about you. What still stands out to this is my reaction to your resolve... you are brave and “Hell yeah... Do it!!” I still believe that, wholeheartedly.
Motherhood is not easy or for the faint of heart. Your journey into it is no different, quite possibly even harder.
Thank you for sharing this experience with me, although I deeply desire you didn’t have to do so.
Miranda was my mentor, taking a leadership position in a volunteer organization that I was too intimidated to take on. She had authority over me, but treated me as an equal. I am lucky to know the amazing person that she is. I was so excited to hear of and support her in her journey towards motherhood. I have known none more qualified or deserving. We discussed many things about life, and I gave her my opinions freely, just another point of view in the world. When she asked me my thoughts on labor induction, I spoke honestly, that I was for natural birth without indications of problems. I had no idea babies still died unexpectedly. In today's highly advanced medical field, I thought Drs could predict death. I was so excited for Miranda, I never thought anything bad was possible. Getting the news, I have never felt so much pain for another person's loss, and so much guilt. I completely felt and still feel like it was my fault, that if i had told her to induce, maybe things would be different. It hurt so badly that i couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, and i couldn't imagine what her pain was. I had so many questions, and balanced on this thin line between trying to be supportive, and being respectful of the space she needed. In experiencing a different kind of loss, I realized that many of my reactions were normal, but wrong, and not helpful. I have always been open to all aspects of religion, believing in a God, but not sure of the details. Death has blurred my vision. While I understand it must be a part of life, some things are unforgivable. There is no explanation that brings peace of mind or acceptance. All I can say with certainty is that I am here for whatever you need that i am capable of giving. I love you and Adrian.