13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Miranda Hernandez
February 13, 2018

I write a lot about this concept of numbness. I think that before, I would have described it as a lack of feeling. “I am empty, I am numb.”

I realize today it’s something quite different. It’s something protective. It’s something that appears when your heart is overwhelmed, when life becomes just a little too heavy. It’s something that appears when you need to breathe.

When I check in with my heart today, it “just” feels numb. And that’s okay. It says a lot to me.

Related Posts:

Topics Page: Grief Positivity

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

27 March 2021 – Community

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

26 March 2021 – Landscape

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant