Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)
Sunset over the California desert (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Black and White Photos and White Picket Fences

In the black-and-white photos, he looks like he’s sleeping. Photos are difficult; they don’t tell the whole story.

After the announcement, I received messages from obscure acquaintances. I realized I had joined this silent club. The landscape is different here. Some things are even better, but never enough.

I put photos up at work. I think that a year ago this would have felt wrong. Someone asked a colleague why I was so morbid. I find grace in the fact that she doesn’t understand.

I wanted the suburbs — the white picket fences; the black and white photos where nobody dies. I live in the desert. The colors are brighter here. The beauty is messy, but so much more real.

And here is the fallacy, for none of it’s worth it. It’s like hearing, “You’re strong,” when I don’t have a choice.

The desert has beauty because of the missing. The flowers are highlights, relieving the sand. The people are water, more deep than I understood. And all of it’s wasted. I cling to my photos.

Related Posts:

Topics Page: Death Positivity
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Resources Blog for Resources After Loss: Ways to Honor Your Child

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

27 March 2021 – Community

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

24 March 2021 – Emulation

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top