043 – Wed, Oct 4, 2017, 7:43 PM
October 1, 2018
We talk a lot about blame. Everyone says it’s not my fault. Does it really matter? Are you any less gone?
Alternate reality or what could have been
- I often think about what my life would be like if Adrian had lived. How old would be today? What grade would he be in? What would it be like to have TWO living children?
020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM
July 1, 2018
I had a fantasy of how it would go. I would wake up early in the morning, and it would start. I would walk to Alexis’s room and tell her, calmly, that it was time.
Second Eulogy
June 30, 2018
My son, Adrian James Hernandez, was stillborn exactly one year ago today. And his loss was the first time in my life where there was nothing I could fight and nothing I could do or say. These are my reflections on the past year since his death.
18 June 2018, 8:47 pm; Living in the Calendar after Loss
June 18, 2018
I don’t think too much about actual dates, and so I missed the anniversary of my 39th week. And this is important to me, because it’s the date my providers had pushed for induction. And I wonder — if I had chosen differently, would I have a living child?
20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken
February 20, 2018
I know what you want to talk about. I know how it pains you when others try to chase your words away. It isn’t a question of guilt. It’s fact — if you had chosen to listen, I would be alive.
20 Feb 2018 – Time
February 20, 2018
I feel unusual in the way that I’ve been counting. I’ve never kept elaborate timelines. My cousin’s wife reminded me when 30 days had passed. I was visiting, and her words took the breath out of me. It always feels like yesterday.
