I was feeling melancholy the other day, and I cried. Some days just bring us closer to being far. And I think what was really bothering me that day was being in a new place again, and being the only one to carry him. Because although people here know he existed, he’s still an abstract concept to them, only “real” to me.
Is this how the rest of my life will flow? The future melting into questions, but only about Penny?
Sometimes I want to shout: “She has a brother!”
…But I’m the only one who “sees” him.
And he’s still missing, even from me.
I hold his elephant. I hold his memories. I hold my own heart—fragile—gently.
I carry these things, because I can’t carry him—
—Even when his absence lives and breathes.
It’s an absence I also carry,
With me.
Downloadable graphics for “You’re an absence I carry”:
