Peanut has been sick since Saturday, and we have been living in our little bubble. Most days I am thankful for it; thankful for the ability to turn off the world and focus on this sweetest little girl.
And then some days I wonder—Would it have been like this with Adrian? Would I have been so thankful? Would I have been so scared at every cough and fever and day when he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep in my arms? Would he have wanted to fall asleep in my arms? Would I have been his safe place?
Peanut has been sick since Saturday, and Sunday morning I almost took her to the emergency room. I probably overreact to these things. I probably worry more than I should. And I wonder, sometimes, where to draw the line between a “normal” amount of worry and the amount you feel for a child born after the death of your first. I don’t ever want to stifle her. My pain should never be her burden.
Peanut has been sick since Saturday, and I have been thankful to be able to spend this time with her. Even under these circumstances. Even with her being grumpy and me getting so little sleep. And she is feeling mostly better this evening, and for that I am also thankful. This child owns so much of me.
And sometimes it just hits me—how much I’ve lost and also hold at the same time; how I will forever live in this strange dichotomy.
Avery’s Garden sent me this illustration on the most appropriate day. Thank you ❤️.
This post was previously published on Instagram.
