Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast
Miranda and Adrian’s Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

I dreamt of him before he was real. I dreamt that he was a he. I dreamt of holding him while he stared at me with eyes that were fully aware, like an adult. I always thought those dreams were strange, before. Now I don’t know what I think.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was packing a bag to go to the Magic Kingdom when I realized I was late. His existence was the most beautiful gift. His absence is an ever-present pain. And we talk about things like anniversaries and birthdays, but I think sometimes it’s these random moments when your life completely changes.

I was literally on my way to Disney World. And that moment is burned in my mind, when I realized he was a genuine possibility. When I realized I could fall in love with a faint blue line.

My son was a person to me before he ever existed. And in my mind, that is the moment he was born.


Miranda’s Story: Planning, Conception, and Pregnancy

💙🐘💙 Miranda’s Blog contains my thoughts on stillbirth, child loss, mental health after loss, pregnancy & parenting after loss, and thoughts on grief positivity & grief support. 💙🐘💙
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