#Suicide is a hard subject, one I think we often avoid. I have some things about this subject I'd like to share. I'll be doing so this week.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 9, 2019
The first thing: feeling #suicidal is not a weakness. It's not a failure or a personality flaw. #Tragedy and #depression can happen to ANYONE. There but for grace, or merely chance…
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 9, 2019
If you had asked me three years ago, I would have said #suicide was cowardly. I didn't understand, then, how quickly life can change, or how little we control. I don't believe suicide is ever an answer, but I better understand the complexities behind the issue now.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
When my son died, it tore a hole inside of me. It reframed all of my thoughts about the world. And a world without my son felt achingly empty. I went from a person who would never have considered harming myself, to someone who had to actively talk myself out of wanting to die.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
I wish I had known, not only that these thoughts are possible, but that they are also common. I may have shared more if I thought I would be understood.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
When I did try to share, it often felt as if my feelings were (unintentionally?) minimized:
"Don't talk like that."
"Don't think those things."
"I don't want to hear that."
"You're scaring me."
…Ironically, nobody asked the big question.— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
Important point #2: If you are worried someone may be at risk for #suicide, #askthequestion:
"Are you feeling suicidal?"
"Do you want to hurt yourself?"
"Do you have a plan?"— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
Important point #2b: pair that queston with support:
"Can I sit with you?"
"Can I call someone?"
"How can I support you today?"
And especially when warranted, calling 911 and/or escorting to the hospital.
***Feeling actively suicidal IS an emergency***— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
Something else to consider–when I was in my darkest place, people were there, initially. But I think there is this unfortunate assumption that the aftermath of tragedy has a finite end. This is not true.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
Important item #3: check on your people constantly. #Depression can return. #Grief never ends. Anniversaries and low points and sometimes random Tuesdays can be the hardest. Take care of each other.
More thoughts coming tomorrow…
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 10, 2019
Elaborating on the thread from yesterday, what does it mean to check on your people? Can you tell at a glance if they're doing okay? What does "normal" look like to you? Would it surprise you to know that many people who feel #suicidal may *seem* perfectly okay?
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 11, 2019
When I was feeling #suicidal, few things outwardly changed. I still went to work, still took care of things in my life. I shared a story yesterday about a man who still coached CrossFit, even while actively planning his death. You won't always see the blatant signs.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 11, 2019
Some things to look for:
– Lack of excitement for the future. They may still make plans, but the sparkle is gone
– Sudden interest in helping others. People in the darkest places want others to feel better
– Asking for your time. There can be a craving for companionship— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 11, 2019
But honestly, the biggest things to look for are also the smallest–do things seem mostly normal, but also slightly off? Is there something different you can't quite put your finger on? This is when you need to act.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 11, 2019
How can you help? Often, the best gift is your presence. I had a friend who visited me often, "just because." We watched movies, she washed my dishes. She made me feel seen and heard and loved. She made me feel less hopeless and less alone.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 11, 2019
Item #4: Many like to share the number to the #suicidehotline, & that's appreciated, but are you also sharing your time? Humans are social animals, & feeling #suicidal can be isolating. Often, when someone is hurting, what they need most is YOU.
More tomorrow…
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 11, 2019
Important point #5: Even if you believe it to be true, telling someone #suicide is selfish doesn't solve the problem; it just makes them feel bad for having the problem.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
The other comment I wanted to address is about #suicidalfeelings. I think this one is more dangerous, because many assume that because these feelings are "in your head," then it must be easy to stop thinking them/stop feeling them. This simply isn't true.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
Feeling #suicidal doesn't happen overnight. Neither does overcoming that feeling. Telling someone to think positive or snap out of it isn't going to be effective. It may actually make things worse.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
When I was in my darkest place, the thing I heard most often was, "You're fine." People who were close to me didn't want to believe I was in real danger. If someone says they are hurting, please believe them. And if you can't help, then at least don't minimize.
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
This seems like a good time to bring back this gem: pic.twitter.com/nk1mIY2o4N
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
I had a talk yesterday with the family member of someone who is feeling #suicidal, and reading over my thread from this week, I know it's mostly been focused on taking care of people, which can be its own heavy burden…
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
…I want you to know, friends & family of those in pain, I see you, too. I see you in your pain and your confusion, your anger and frustration. I see you in your heartbreaking, helpless fear…
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
…And if you are struggling with supporting, or even overwhelmed because you have nothing left in you, I still see you. And I want to say: "Thank you, and please remember to care for yourself too."
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
Important point #6: Life is freaking hard, and there are no perfect answers. We are all doing everything we can. Take care of each other, and also, take care of yourselves. And if no one has told you today–I love you❤️❤️❤️https://t.co/fzIHYzDYid
— Miranda Hernandez | Adrian's Mother (@AdriansMother) September 13, 2019
Related Posts:
Life as a Grieving Mother: Suicidal Feelings After Loss
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Topics Page: Mental Health After Loss
Resources Blog for Resources After Loss: Questions to Ask When Interviewing a Therapist
Letters to Adrian: Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM
Write Your Grief: A Letter from the In-Between
Write Your Grief: The Worst Thing that Never Happened
