Do you remember that part in Twilight when Edward left and Bella fell apart? She stopped reading; she stopped listening to music. She couldn’t relate to the rest of the world. She lost interest in everything that used to make her happy. Whatever else those books got wrong, this part is true.
My life is empty without my son. There are days I still wish I could die. There is literally nothing anyone can do for me. There is no way to make this pain go away. And even if there was, I wouldn’t want it to. It’s mine.
But I chose to live. I chose to come to this city and be in this program. I chose to keep moving when I could have given up completely.
And sometimes, I am still a b****. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of my anger. You’re just there, sitting closest to me. You shouldn’t have to make any changes. But if you want to, these are things I need you to know:
I am literally incapable of talking about politics. I can’t. My brain doesn’t work that way. I can’t handle the drama or the anger or the outrage. It makes me physically sick. I hope that changes someday. But it won’t be soon.
I can’t handle being asked how I am every day. The answer will never change, and even if you want to hear it, sometimes I don’t want to tell you. There is no joy in vocalizing how much I hate my life. It only hurts me.
I will have good days. I will laugh and I will have energy. These will almost always be followed by very dark times. But you shouldn’t ever be barred from your home. When I’m dark, it’s up to me to find my quiet place. This is important to me.
I want you to have parties and friends and do all the things that I would have loved to do in another version of reality. I never want you to feel like you have to hold back your happiness for me. I don’t want my rain cloud to cover the world. I need to be able to see the sun.
I’m terrible at talking about these things. I’m sorry. There has been so much avoidance in my life. I’m still learning how to work through it. I’m learning how to be a human being again. This is my responsibility.
But above all, thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life, even when I’m broken. Thank you for putting up with me.
I love you.
