17 August 2019


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A heavy, beautiful day today, and #Peanut is officially laughing. She looks around and really notices the world. I’m going back to work soon, visualizing the end of this comfortable bubble. But most days I still pause in amazement; this perfect creature is really here. . I don’t call Peanut a #rainbowbaby. I won’t let her be defined by who or what came before. I realize though, lately, that her existence helps me understand so much of what I’m #missing of her brother. There’s a concrete feeling now of the pieces that never got to be. . I’m also feeling other things. Scrolling through other stories this evening, and so many times I am moved to #tears. This hasn’t happened for a while, and I’m glad that it’s back. As much as I understand my periodic need for numbness, I will always welcome the return of my tears. They are precious to me. . Peanut shifts in her sleep. I love it when she purses her lips and gives a little sigh. This tiny human being really grew inside of me. She is just — everything. I am constantly falling in love. . I love her. I love her brother. I love. . #stillbirth #parentingafterloss #griefandlife

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