Bench on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)
Bench on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM

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One of the women in my group has a theory–she believes that as we make connections and talk about our children, that they meet each other in Heaven and become friends.

I don’t know where you are right now. I write to you, and I write for me.

I write because I miss you. I write because I’m still having trouble accepting that this is my life now. I write because there are times in my days when I can’t do anything but write. On these days, I feel like I’m still pregnant, and this is me giving birth to your memory.

I think it would be so much easier if I believed as other people believed. It would be so much easier if I could close my eyes and know with certainty that you were listening when I said your name. It would be so nice. But it’s not real.

Your death has challenged so many of my beliefs. It was easy to know that there is no Truth when it was just me. It was easy to accept I was going to die and whatever happened would just happen that day. I never feared heaven or hell. I never cared if they were real. I don’t care what happens to me, but to think that you are gone so soon is so painful to me. And in this moment, it would be so much easier if I believed as other people believe. Easier, but not real.

I don’t know what exists in that great cosmic space. I don’t know what happens when our hearts cease to beat. I don’t know if you can hear me when I write or say your name, if you’ll ever hear any of my apologies. (I’m so sorry I didn’t save you.) I only know that I love you. And whatever happens, wherever you live now, that is the most important thing.

I love you. And if you’re playing somewhere with Jude and Shalomar and Daniel and too many other children to name, then please tell them that I love them too. You are all so very precious to me.

Related Posts:

Topic Page: Grieving Without God
Life as a Grieving Mother: Spiritual Feelings & Beliefs
Miranda’s Blog: Quora: Perspective of a Non-Believer Following the Death of a Child
Write Your Grief: Unspoken
Miranda’s Blog: Grieving My Child Without God

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. Letters are shared here in periodic batches.

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054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM

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008 – 31w6d – One Last Road Trip

013 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 10:22 AM

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099 – Wed, May 2, 2018, 7:46 PM

026 – Sun, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:17 AM

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040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM

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021 – Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 6:24 AM

002 – 7w3d – Pickles and ice cream?

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122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM

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132 – Mon, Jul 1, 2019, 9:45 PM

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046 – Sun, Oct 15, 2017, 8:09 PM

Hollyhock in California (Miranda Hernandez)

116 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, some time in the morning

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125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

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123 – Wed, Aug 29, 2018, 3:16 PM

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064 – Wed, Nov 29, 2017, 4:36 PM

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107 – Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM

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049 – Tue, Oct 24, 2017, 5:26 PM

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130 – Thu, Jun 27, 2019, 9:31 PM

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094 – Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 11:46 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

055 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 6:48 PM

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038 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 9:36 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

068 – Sat, Dec 16, 2017, 9:55 PM

025 – Sun, Aug 6, 2017 at 12:26 AM

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133 – Wed, Jul 3, 2019, 11:32 AM

Remnants of a building, California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

052 – Wed, Nov 1, 2017, 8:08 PM

Sunrise over the Pacific Ocean 2 - Feature

015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM

Full moon in Texas (Miranda Hernandez)

083 – Mon, Jan 29, 2018, 5:09 AM

032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM

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127 – Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM

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010 – 38w4d – Almost there…

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065 – Sat, Dec 2, 2017, 8:06 PM

Hyacinth flowers, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM

Succulents in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

Adrian and his Elephant in a field of bluebonnets (Anna Borden)

139 – A Letter to My Son on His Third Birthday

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM

California coast in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM

Pier, Paihia, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

042 – Mon, Oct 2, 2017, 6:14 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Chacchoben Mayan Ruins

053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM

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100 – Sat, May 5, 2018, 5:30 PM

Miranda's feet in the sand, New Smyrna Beach, Florida (Miranda Hernandez)

124 – Tue, Sep 4, 2018, 9:00 PM

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060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM

Snow in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

031 – Fri, Sep 8, 2017 at 12:16 AM

Bike path in California (Miranda Hernandez)

098 – Thu, Apr 29, 2018, 8:58 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

076 – Wed, Jan 10, 2018, 11:47 AM

005 – 19w6d – Happy New Year

View through the plants on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

118 – Fri, Jul 6, 2018, 7:43 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Northstar California Resort

089 – Sat, Feb 17, 2018, 3:55 PM

Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

034 – Mon, Sep 25, 2017 at 8:28 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM

Sage flowers in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

134 – Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 1:34 PM

Adrian's Elephant at Thanksgiving

062 – Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 1:51 PM

Sunset over Victoria - Feature

023 – Fri, Jul 28, 2017 at 5:18 PM

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095 – Fri, Apr 13, 2018, 10:23 PM

009 – 33w2d

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

074 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 7:59 PM

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108 – Sat, May 26, 2018, 11:02 AM

Pacific Ocean - Feature

014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM

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016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM

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121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM

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063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM

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114 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:15 PM

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087 – Wed, Feb 7, 2018, 4:16 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant with Bumblebee

051 – Tue, Oct 31, 2017, 5:32 PM

Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'I (Miranda Hernandez)

039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM

Wooden structure in South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

136 – Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 6:40 PM

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036 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 1:59 PM

Shadows on a hike, California (Miranda Hernandez)

044 – Thu, Oct 12, 2017, 6:52 PM

Periwinkle in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM

Boulder on the shore of North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

129 – Tue, Jun 25, 2019, 9:11 PM

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097 – Wed, Apr 28, 2018, 11:08 PM

California Coast, Big Sur (Miranda Hernandez)

045 – Fri, Oct 13, 2017, 6:25 PM

Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

092 – Tue, Mar 20, 2018, 2:26 PM

001 – Hello

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135 – Wed, Aug 28, 2019, 8:04 AM

Staircase in California (Miranda Hernandez)

111 – Sun, Jun 10, 2018, 9:31 PM

Iceplant on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

080 – Sat, Jan 20, 2018, 4:09 PM

Wildflowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

090 – Sat, Feb 24, 2018, 5:12 AM

028 – Wed, Aug 16, 2017 at 6:07 PM

020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM

012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!

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058 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 7:10 PM

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067 – Tue, Dec 12, 2017, 9:42 PM

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011 – 39w6d(1) – What does Mama look like?

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091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM

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066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM

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056 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 8:29 PM

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043 – Wed, Oct 4, 2017, 7:43 PM

018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM

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102 – Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM

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126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM

Keālia Beach, Kaua’i, Hawai’i (Miranda Hernandez)

106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM

Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

037 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 3:02 PM

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022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM

Anini Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

093 – Wed, Mar 21, 2018, 4:18 PM

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120 – Thu, Jul 19, 2018, 12:47 PM

View through the plants on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

119 – Wed, Jul 18, 2018, 1:10 PM

Winter in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

096 – Tue, Apr 24, 2018, 11:09 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

088 – Thu, Feb 15, 2018, 6:40 PM

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050 – Sun, Oct 29, 2017, 1:00 PM

006 – 20w0d – Are you dancing?

030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM

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017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM

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128 – Thu, May 23, 2019, 9:11 PM

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072 – Sat, Dec 30, 2017, 10:51 AM

Kaua'i coast (Miranda Hernandez)

105 – Mon, May 14, 2018, 9:33 PM

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113 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:02 AM

003 – 10w2d – A Little Bit of a Belly

Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's birthday cake

061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM

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069 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 7:22 PM

007 – 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest

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117 – A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

024 – Wed, Aug 2, 2017 at 6:13 PM

Climbing vines on Hatley Castle, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

137 – Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 10:01 PM

Nasturtium flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

112 – Sat, Jun 16, 2018, 3:59 PM

029 – Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM

Pinecrest Lake, Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM

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041 – Sat, Sep 30, 2017 at 8:30 PM

Hiking in Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

071 – Mon, Dec 25, 2017, 6:45 PM

Peruvian lilies in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

115 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, 1:03 AM

019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM

Tree in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

081 – Tue, Jan 23, 2018, 8:29 PM

Wild Sunflower in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

035 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 11:09 AM

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109 – Sun, May 27, 2018, 8:35 PM

Adrian's necklace on bluebonnets, California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

138 – Thu, Feb 6, 2020, 11:39 AM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM

Dark and moody sunset over the ocean in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM

004 – 12w1d – Your Tiny Feet

033 – Tue, Sep 19, 2017 at 6:35 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM

Adrian and Elephant

131 – A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday

Vines, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

047 – Thu, Oct 19, 2017, 4:54 PM

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