Adrian’s Funeral
May 1, 2020
Adrian was cremated, but it was important to me that he also have a funeral. I wanted to honor him and his short but powerful life.
Other
Perspective
April 5, 2020
We are all living in uncertainty. We are all scared. We are all doing the very best we can. And you have every right to your feelings, even if they seem silly.
Daydreams
April 2, 2020
I put Penny to bed tonight, and I had another image of a rambunctious toddler jumping up to join us. I can’t see his face at all, it is mostly just a feeling. A feeling like he’s just right there.
Why I Choose to Share Photos of My Dead Child on Social Media
March 20, 2020
Our children are not shameful. They are beautiful, real people. In my opinion, the only shame comes from the perception that they should hidden away. I will never stop sharing photos of my deceased child, simply because he IS my child.
What is the Worst Sound in the World? (Quora)
February 18, 2020
You think, “Okay, this is normal; necessary. This is the process of millennia.” And you stop thinking, and then you moan; deep and low and primal. And your moaning is an outlet, and you surrender to it, deciding to become physical.
Re-Evaluation & New Priorities after the Death of a Child
February 8, 2020
I look back on that time now, and it’s like I’m looking at a different person. That old Miranda lived in a different world, where everything felt like it was possible. And even though it has been almost 3 years since then, I think a lot of people don’t understand I’m not that person anymore.
138 – Thu, Feb 6, 2020, 11:39 AM
February 6, 2020
Most days I feel “fine.” I live life and I care for your sister, and when the subject comes up, I talk about you. I love talking about you. And sometimes I feel bad, even though I know better, that I hardly cry anymore.
137 – Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 10:01 PM
January 1, 2020
I caught a glimpse of my tattoo in the mirror the other day. The days move so quickly lately, sometimes I forget it’s there. Sometimes I miss the burning underneath my skin, how it felt when everything was new.
136 – Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 6:40 PM
January 1, 2020
Our old house is for sale. In the photos, it looks cluttered. They have a boy and a girl, fully lived-in rooms. We wouldn’t have had that, not there. It still feels weird to look at.
135 – Wed, Aug 28, 2019, 8:04 AM
January 1, 2020
Your sister was offered a daycare slot and it brings up memories. People around me are having boys and it brings up memories.
130 – Thu, Jun 27, 2019, 9:31 PM
January 1, 2020
This past year has been different. You’d think the biggest part would be your sister, and of course she’s part of it. There’s also me. I’ve been developing. I’ve been learning and hiding in equal measures.
129 – Tue, Jun 25, 2019, 9:11 PM
January 1, 2020
The lead up is different this time. It’s quieter. I’m not sobbing. I sit here with your sister and most parts of the day I feel fine. It’s only in those random moments, those echoes of memory — and I still wish I could feel more of you.
128 – Thu, May 23, 2019, 9:11 PM
January 1, 2020
They I gave her to me and she was screaming and all I could think was yes, mama loves you so much. You are a new piece of my everything. And suddenly I’m just bigger and you are still gone and I’m straddling the world in two.
127 – Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM
January 1, 2020
I find myself living in the world again, at least in pieces. And I railed and I fought and I thought maybe it would be that way forever. And I’m realizing, even when I maybe don’t want to, that somehow I am living.
126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM
January 1, 2020
And for the longest time, I couldn’t cry. And for the longest time I couldn’t cry about you. And then today, and it feels almost out of nowhere. Like it’s a full body memory, and I realized I still miss you. I’ve never stopped missing you.
Survivor’s Bias
December 20, 2019
Now imagine I took this example of reckless behavior and used it to justify drinking and driving? Imagine I said that because I did it and I was fine, then of course it must be okay for others to try. This is called survivor’s bias.
Tone
December 17, 2019
There is a subconscious, and in some places, even overt “war” going on between midwives and physicians, and it really needs to stop. I truly believe if either set of my providers had swallowed their pride and explained that sometimes, neither nature nor medicine are completely perfect, then my son would be alive today.
Adrian’s Elephant Official Comment Policy, aka Things Not to Say To or About a Bereaved Parent
December 12, 2019
Grief is awkward, and when we talk to the bereaved, we often want to say anything at all just to fill the void. Here are some things to avoid.
I Fail at Grief Olympics
December 7, 2019
What I found most interesting in my interactions with all of them, was the amount of commonality in our experiences. In how much I could identify with experiences I had previously thought were just mine.
Preventing Stillbirth Starts With Outreach
November 24, 2019
Since I first starting researching safe pregnancy practices following Adrian’s death, I have wanted to put together a road show to share this information with the world. Today I ran my first booth at the Monterey Birth and Baby Fair.
Evidence-Based Best Practices for Safest Pregnancy
November 24, 2019
A collection of five recommendations for safest pregnancy from the top organizations in prenatal care and stillbirth prevention: ACOG, CDC, Star Legacy Foundation, Stillbirth CRE, and more.
“It’s Not Your Fault”
November 20, 2019
I think people are conditioned to tell bereaved parents it isn’t their fault because they are worried. If parents blame themselves, what might they then do?
Requests of a Bereaved Mother for All Prenatal Providers
October 15, 2019
After my son died at the end of a term pregnancy in 2017, I created this list of things I would like to see done differently in prenatal care, both before & after loss. These are things that would have made a difference in my pregnancy. These things might have kept my son alive.
From one mother to another: A letter to the pregnant mother from one who is bereaved
October 5, 2019
The shock wears off, and we keep talking. You ask for details, or maybe you don’t. You start thinking. And now you are afraid for your child.
Elephants and Well-Meaning Words – “It’s not your fault”
October 4, 2019
Let’s try thought experiment: Don’t think of an elephant. What are you thinking of right now? Of course, an elephant. Why? Because thoughts don’t work that way. Now think about this analogy as it applies to telling bereaved parents that their child’s death was not their fault.
125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM
October 1, 2019
For the past year, I’ve told myself everyday I would do anything to have you here with me. If I could travel back in time I would do anything to convince myself we should have been induced…For the past year, I’ve told myself this, but now I realize that’s changed.
Stillbirth & Statistics: What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?
September 30, 2019
When we talk about things like stillbirth, some are quick to say it’s not concern because it is relatively “rare.” But likelihood does not change impact.
Stillbirth and Statistics: What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?
September 30, 2019
I think the problem with using words like “rare” in place of actual numbers is that it’s a description that renders those numbers abstract. Our brains are so unused to thinking about statistical concepts that we classify these things as either likely, e.g. I’m likely to have a flat tire at some point in my life; or practically impossible, e.g. I will never win the lottery. But we do a really poor job of thinking about all of the possibilities that lie in between.
Sea Lions
September 23, 2019
Walking along the pier with my daughter where I used to walk alone, I think about the drastic changes of the past two years. Despite the sweetness of her new life, I don’t feel thankful for the hardship that preceded her. Life doesn’t work that way.
More Than One Spectrum
September 16, 2019
My daughter’s pediatrician tried to diagnose me with postpartum depression today. They use a generic screening form, one that doesn’t differentiate between the stress of being a new parent and other types of depression or grief.
