23 Aug 2018 – Windows
August 23, 2018
I see her on the other side of the glass, and my heart breaks for what we both have that the other needs.
My Pregnancy with Adrian
- My son Adrian was stillborn at term due to complications from undiagnosed preeclampsia. My memories from my pregnancy with him are bittersweet; a mixture of signs I wish I had understood the importance of, and also memories of pure love.
020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM
July 1, 2018
I had a fantasy of how it would go. I would wake up early in the morning, and it would start. I would walk to Alexis’s room and tell her, calmly, that it was time.
Second Eulogy
June 30, 2018
My son, Adrian James Hernandez, was stillborn exactly one year ago today. And his loss was the first time in my life where there was nothing I could fight and nothing I could do or say. These are my reflections on the past year since his death.
22 June 2018, 9:01am; Memories about Adrian’s Due Date & Warning Signs That Were Missed
June 22, 2018
Adrian was due on 22 June 2017, but my midwives told me due dates were only guidelines. I wish they had been more concerned, especially considering the warning signs demonstrated during that last visit.
21 June 2018, 4:58pm; Memories of my Last Prenatal Appointment before Adrian Died
June 21, 2018
One year ago today, I went in for my last check up with the midwives. My son was due one year ago tomorrow. They measured my belly, they checked my urine. They asked if I had any questions or concerns. Was this a formality? Because my questions were ignored, and warning signs were missed.
21 Jun 2018 – The After
June 21, 2018
After he died, after that scream, I shattered. It wasn’t that time flowed differently. It was a completely different life.
18 June 2018, 8:47 pm; Living in the Calendar after Loss
June 18, 2018
I don’t think too much about actual dates, and so I missed the anniversary of my 39th week. And this is important to me, because it’s the date my providers had pushed for induction. And I wonder — if I had chosen differently, would I have a living child?
29 June 2017
June 1, 2018
29 June 2017: The day my son died – When she couldn’t find a heartbeat with the doppler, I think the idea started to form in my head, but I wasn’t quite ready…I remember the doctor’s face as he said the words, “I’m sorry.” My next memory is of someone screaming. It was me.
Problems in My Pregnancy?
June 1, 2018
With the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on my pregnancy and identify the signs both I am my providers should have seen before Adrian died. There were multiple problems that led to his preventable stillbirth.
Planning, Conception, & Pregnancy
June 1, 2018
The story of how I planned for conception and pregnancy as a single mother by choice (SMC), the process of becoming pregnant, and the sheer joy in looking forward to my son Adrian’s birth.
Miranda’s Story
June 1, 2018
My name is Miranda Hernandez. I am a single mother by choice. My son Adrian passed away on 29 June 2017, and was stillborn the following day. I will love and honor him for the rest of my life.
014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM
June 1, 2018
I don’t understand it, little one. I don’t understand how you could be here, and then not. I don’t understand how you’re still in my belly, but you’re already gone. I don’t understand how the world makes sense anymore. I never got to hold you, and I miss you so much. My heart is broken.
012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!
June 1, 2018
I had my 40 week appointment (a day early) this morning. The midwife said you are doing well, and should be ready to join us any day now. I’m ready whenever you are.
011 – 39w6d(1) – What does Mama look like?
June 1, 2018
You may wonder what I looked like while I was pregnant. I had some photos taken a few weeks ago, along with Saki and Amy Anne. I think they turned out pretty well.
010 – 38w4d – Almost there…
June 1, 2018
I finished your nursery today. I have your crib and dresser, and a changing pad on top of your dresser. I also put away the last of your shower gifts. Everything is waiting for you to come home.
009 – 33w2d
June 1, 2018
This week was hard, but it put some things into perspective for me. I’m going to meet you soon, and our lives are about to change in the most wonderful way.
008 – 31w6d – One Last Road Trip
June 1, 2018
Tomorrow, I’m taking a Greyhound bus to visit some good friends in Louisiana. This will be my last road trip before I finally get to meet you!
007 – 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest
June 1, 2018
I’ve been a little more tired lately, but I’ve been keeping myself busy. I started childbirth classes about a month ago, and I’m learning a lot about you and how I hope our child birth will go.
006 – 20w0d – Are you dancing?
June 1, 2018
I thought I felt some flutters a while back, but nothing I could say for definite. Then, today, I was sitting in the doctor’s office, and you–wooshed.
005 – 19w6d – Happy New Year
June 1, 2018
I’ve been feeling a lot better, so I flew to Washington D.C. this weekend to visit some old friends. We’ve all known each other for many years, and I’m glad I could spend time with them before they left the city.
004 – 12w1d – Your Tiny Feet
June 1, 2018
The books say you like to move around a lot right now, and you did not disappoint. At one point, I even saw the bottoms of your tiny, tiny feet. I think you’re perfect 🙂
003 – 10w2d – A Little Bit of a Belly
June 1, 2018
You’re a little over 10 weeks today….You have fingers and toes, and you’re growing fingernails right now. If I had an ultrasound today, you would look like a tiny little human being.
002 – 7w3d – Pickles and ice cream?
June 1, 2018
You are about the size of a blueberry now, and your arms and legs have started to grow. I started looking at nursery furniture. I’m leaning towards Dumbo.
Adrian’s Story
June 1, 2018
Adrian James Hernandez was stillborn on 30 June 2017 due to complications from undiagnosed preeclampsia. He was 9lb, 0oz; 22 in long and perfectly formed. He is forever loved, and forever missed.
Equidistance
March 30, 2018
I think sometimes about dates and counting. I carried Adrian’s living body for 39 weeks. I carried his dead body for one additional day. I was pregnant for 41 weeks and one day.
A Letter to the Woman Who Wants the “Perfect Natural Birth”
February 27, 2018
Almost eight months ago, I stood in your shoes. I was nine months pregnant; overdue. I was committed to doing everything naturally. It seemed like the most important thing to me. I wish I had known then what I’m sharing with you now.
24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child
February 24, 2018
You sheltered him for nine months. You expanded with him, kept him safe. I watched you grow stretch marks, tiger stripes. I talked to him through you. I never thought to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you for holding my son, for cradling him even in death. He only ever knew love in you.
18 Feb 2018 – Memories
February 18, 2018
I remember every moment of my pregnancy. I remember every moment of my son’s short life. I remember conception and ultrasounds and morning sickness. I remember every tiny kick and movement. I treasure these things. I treasure these memories.
