020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM
July 1, 2018
I had a fantasy of how it would go. I would wake up early in the morning, and it would start. I would walk to Alexis’s room and tell her, calmly, that it was time.
Love letters to my child
- When I was pregnant with my first child, Adrian, I created an email address to write letters to him. I thought it would be a sweet bundle of memories to share with him when he was older. Although Adrian died, I am still thankful for these letters. They are reminders of my ever-present love for him.
019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM
July 1, 2018
I wake up in the morning, and you aren’t there. This is the worst part of my day.
018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM
July 1, 2018
I think your Aunt Alexis worries about me. I worry about me. I am going through the motions, but inside I feel helpless. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM
July 1, 2018
I think about running away. I think about starting a new life, where people don’t know, where they don’t stare at me with pity in their eyes.
016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM
July 1, 2018
Even now, everything was worth it. I will never regret anything I did to prepare for you.
015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM
July 1, 2018
I watched your tiny mouth for so long in the hospital. I can almost picture you suckling at my breast. This was supposed to be for you. Everything was supposed to be for you.
A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday
June 30, 2018
A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday: When I pictured this moment during our pregnancy, I had all the typical first birthday dreams. I thought about outfits, and cute party hats, and an elephant cake you would smash more than eat. Life looks different today.
014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM
June 1, 2018
I don’t understand it, little one. I don’t understand how you could be here, and then not. I don’t understand how you’re still in my belly, but you’re already gone. I don’t understand how the world makes sense anymore. I never got to hold you, and I miss you so much. My heart is broken.
012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!
June 1, 2018
I had my 40 week appointment (a day early) this morning. The midwife said you are doing well, and should be ready to join us any day now. I’m ready whenever you are.
011 – 39w6d(1) – What does Mama look like?
June 1, 2018
You may wonder what I looked like while I was pregnant. I had some photos taken a few weeks ago, along with Saki and Amy Anne. I think they turned out pretty well.
010 – 38w4d – Almost there…
June 1, 2018
I finished your nursery today. I have your crib and dresser, and a changing pad on top of your dresser. I also put away the last of your shower gifts. Everything is waiting for you to come home.
009 – 33w2d
June 1, 2018
This week was hard, but it put some things into perspective for me. I’m going to meet you soon, and our lives are about to change in the most wonderful way.
008 – 31w6d – One Last Road Trip
June 1, 2018
Tomorrow, I’m taking a Greyhound bus to visit some good friends in Louisiana. This will be my last road trip before I finally get to meet you!
007 – 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest
June 1, 2018
I’ve been a little more tired lately, but I’ve been keeping myself busy. I started childbirth classes about a month ago, and I’m learning a lot about you and how I hope our child birth will go.
006 – 20w0d – Are you dancing?
June 1, 2018
I thought I felt some flutters a while back, but nothing I could say for definite. Then, today, I was sitting in the doctor’s office, and you–wooshed.
005 – 19w6d – Happy New Year
June 1, 2018
I’ve been feeling a lot better, so I flew to Washington D.C. this weekend to visit some old friends. We’ve all known each other for many years, and I’m glad I could spend time with them before they left the city.
004 – 12w1d – Your Tiny Feet
June 1, 2018
The books say you like to move around a lot right now, and you did not disappoint. At one point, I even saw the bottoms of your tiny, tiny feet. I think you’re perfect 🙂
003 – 10w2d – A Little Bit of a Belly
June 1, 2018
You’re a little over 10 weeks today….You have fingers and toes, and you’re growing fingernails right now. If I had an ultrasound today, you would look like a tiny little human being.
002 – 7w3d – Pickles and ice cream?
June 1, 2018
You are about the size of a blueberry now, and your arms and legs have started to grow. I started looking at nursery furniture. I’m leaning towards Dumbo.
18 Feb 2018 – Memories
February 18, 2018
I remember every moment of my pregnancy. I remember every moment of my son’s short life. I remember conception and ultrasounds and morning sickness. I remember every tiny kick and movement. I treasure these things. I treasure these memories.
12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things
February 12, 2018
Because I think love includes talking about hard things. Because I think love includes telling someone, “When you fall on hard times, I am here for you. When things go terribly wrong, I won’t run away.”
001 – Hello
October 28, 2016
I saw your heart beat today. The doctor called it a “fluttering.” It was tiny; the books say you’re only about the size of a pea, but you have already changed my world.
