Sea Shells

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant
Sanddollars on Adrian’s Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

I hold on to so many things. I hold on to grief. I hold on to memories. I hold on to love.

I hold on to mementos like these dried sea shells. My cousin’s wife placed them in my hand the month after Adrian died, a symbol of myself and my son. I took this photo that afternoon, so worried they’d be damaged on the plane home.

I hold on, afraid of losing, afraid of letting go.

I lost my phone last month. The movers lost five pieces of furniture. Two months prior, I broke one of these shells.

I have trouble replacing things. I consider everything irreplaceable.

When I lost my phone, I cried. I cried over carelessness. I cried over lost photos. I cried that I had allowed another loss into my life. I cried for being helpless, and sad, and afraid.

When I broke my shell, I shrugged. It was the mama shell. It mirrored me.

This is one of the last photos left from before I started this account. This was one of the few I uploaded to the cloud. My new phone is on auto-backup now. Sometimes I learn.

I am thankful for memories, and kind people, and broken shells. I am thankful that I still hold on. I am thankful for things worth holding on to.

I am thankful for my son.

Related:
Miranda’s Blog: I Miss My Phone

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