Hey, I also experienced loss… Can I exploit you now?

I had an interaction with someone the other day and it really bothered me.

I almost didn’t talk about it though because as a business owner myself, it seems hard to critique how other grief-informed businesses operate. But I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days, and I think there is a difference.

Since I first rejoined online spaces after Adrian’s death, I’ve felt that a certain amount of predatory behavior exists in our community. And by predatory, I don’t mean people selling things. (I have purchased several meaningful things from fellow bereaved individuals and I sell things myself)

But predatory to me means personally targeting bereaved and grieving people for things they either shouldn’t have to pay for or haven’t expressed that they need.

We aren’t a monolith, and yet some individuals treat us that way.

Some people use marketing or targeting methods that either misrepresent themselves or aim to take advantage of the existence of people in grief.

And some people take it further.

The other day I received a message that started off fairly sweet. The writer identified herself as a fellow bereaved mother and pointed out we followed some of the same accounts. She also talked about how the experience of losing her daughter had deeply affected her, like losing my son did me.

In any other conversation, this could have been a way to connect. Grief can be fairly uniting that way… But then she ended with asking if I was feeling “stuck” in my grief.

I went to her profile and saw that she advertises herself as a traumatic grief coach. And this cold-DMing seemed to be her way of looking for clients.

I’m not going to lie; I already have something of an ick about grief coaches. But personal feelings aside, I do acknowledge some grievers may find comfort in working with a coach if they choose.

The thing is, choosing generally involves deciding that you need that support, and then searching for a provider or asking for recommendations.

I can’t think of a situation in which a grief coach cold-messaging someone without any prior conversation would be appropriate. Especially when (as this person demonstrated), they didn’t look at my profile long enough to even confirm they had the right name.

Understanding business requires engagement, there still has to be a line. Post products for sale on your own profile. Pay for advertising, if you choose. But sliding into DMs unsolicited doesn’t feel right, at least not to me.

Going back to the DM I received—upon looking at her profile, I realized her account is new. She has posted a few items about her philosophy and is starting to build a presence on IG. She’s learning, and maybe if others express frustration with soliciting, she’ll stop. She seems maybe open to it.

I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it all the damn time.