Succulents in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)
Succulents in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

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Your mama is grumpy again, little man. Even on days when it feels as if everything is falling together, even on those days, it isn’t enough.

I ordered flower seeds for the backyard. I ordered bluebonnets, though I heard they may not grow here. You should be sitting in bluebonnets, learning to grasp things; starting to smile and hearing me read. I should be reading to you.

I’ve been hearing the lines from that Dr. Seuss book, the one that I did read on the day of your funeral. I’ve been telling myself I’m not afraid. “I said and I said and I said those words. I said them, but I lied them.”

Of course I’m scared. There’s nothing safe. There’s nothing left to hide me. There’s nothing I can point to to say, just keep that away. Just don’t eat red meat, just don’t drink caffeine. Just listen for 10 movements in an hour; he will be fine. I feel these fears now, feel this overpowering need, and I haven’t even started trying.

Your mama is grumpy, little man, and part of it is that this isn’t a conversation I should even be having with you. I shouldn’t be thinking about having another child and things like my age. I should be holding you, introducing you to apple slices. You should be here.

And I feel like this will always be an issue, that I cannot heal without your sibling, but I already love him or her too. None of this is simple. You are both a part of me.

When people ask me about you, I tell them that you are the most beautiful part of my life. I am both ready and terrified for someone to share that with you.

I love you.

Related Posts:

Adrian’s Story: Adrian’s Funeral

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. Letters are shared here in periodic batches.

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025 – Sun, Aug 6, 2017 at 12:26 AM

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060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM

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084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Pinecrest Lake

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080 – Sat, Jan 20, 2018, 4:09 PM

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078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM

Periwinkle in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM

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035 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 11:09 AM

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022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM

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088 – Thu, Feb 15, 2018, 6:40 PM

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101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

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021 – Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 6:24 AM

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040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM

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119 – Wed, Jul 18, 2018, 1:10 PM

Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's birthday cake

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058 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 7:10 PM

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134 – Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 1:34 PM

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047 – Thu, Oct 19, 2017, 4:54 PM

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133 – Wed, Jul 3, 2019, 11:32 AM

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098 – Thu, Apr 29, 2018, 8:58 PM

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018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM

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034 – Mon, Sep 25, 2017 at 8:28 PM

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093 – Wed, Mar 21, 2018, 4:18 PM

019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM

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016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM

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028 – Wed, Aug 16, 2017 at 6:07 PM

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125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

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094 – Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 11:46 PM

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015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM

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122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM

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048 – Sat, Oct 21, 2017, 8:37 PM

Painted rock found on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

123 – Wed, Aug 29, 2018, 3:16 PM

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039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM

Wooden structure in South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

136 – Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 6:40 PM

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038 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 9:36 AM

003 – 10w2d – A Little Bit of a Belly

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

043 – Wed, Oct 4, 2017, 7:43 PM

Dark and moody sunset over the ocean in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM

Peruvian lilies in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

115 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, 1:03 AM

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM

Wildflowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

090 – Sat, Feb 24, 2018, 5:12 AM

Pinecrest Lake, Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM

Street art in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

135 – Wed, Aug 28, 2019, 8:04 AM

Pier in San Diego, California (Miranda Hernandez)

066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM

California coast in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM

033 – Tue, Sep 19, 2017 at 6:35 PM

Adrian and his Elephant in a field of bluebonnets (Anna Borden)

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

100 – Sat, May 5, 2018, 5:30 PM

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063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM

002 – 7w3d – Pickles and ice cream?

032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM

Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM

030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM

009 – 33w2d

Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's uniform top

056 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 8:29 PM

Desert in California (Miranda Hernandez)

107 – Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

041 – Sat, Sep 30, 2017 at 8:30 PM

029 – Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM

Winter in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

096 – Tue, Apr 24, 2018, 11:09 PM

Nasturtium flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

112 – Sat, Jun 16, 2018, 3:59 PM

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