106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM
May 1, 2019
I finally looked up the plot line of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Ironic that the story seems applicable to me. Ironic that I judged something that now feels maybe powerful.
Reflection
099 – Wed, May 2, 2018, 7:46 PM
May 1, 2019
I see her when I close my eyes. I see her as a child and all grown up, and I think about the ways that I didn’t see you. When I dreamt of you, you were always an adult looking out of a child’s body.
When you’re going through tough times, remember that life is about so much more than feel-good messages you read online
April 29, 2019
One author would have you believe tough times can be simplified into 8 feel-good steps. But when you’re going through tough times, life is about so much more than feel-good messages you read online.
Dear Nature-Based Childbirth Educator
March 14, 2019
Dear Natural Childbirth Educator, I always considered myself part of the natural community, and this is why I followed you. I read the traditional books, but your words were more comforting. I only wish you would have talked about stillbirth, because until it happened to me, I had no idea.
091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM
March 1, 2019
I have often examined the symptoms of my grief. It still feels so weird to me. The simplest things now make me cry. I examine those tears under a microscope. I examine everything, all while I’m feeling it.
This Timeline
February 10, 2019
I remember after he died, I kept thinking I was going to wake up one day and it would all be over. Like this was just a temporary place, and not somewhere I had to live forever.
088 – Thu, Feb 15, 2018, 6:40 PM
February 1, 2019
I was just reminded that you had dreams. I wonder what they were like?
084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM
February 1, 2019
I think a lot about the day you were due. I think about how different our lives would be.
Claddagh Ring
January 20, 2019
I wore a Claddagh ring facing inwards for a long time after the death of my son. I wanted to send the message that my heart was already taken, even if it was “taken” in a different way than those rings normally represent.
My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm
January 20, 2019
While I understand the common reference to the loss of a child as a storm, the rainbow metaphor doesn’t work for me. My daughter is not a rainbow; she is a just a little girl, with her own unique identity.
082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM
January 1, 2019
I think about “moving forward”. I think about “trying again”. These words are hurtful. These words feel like I’m trying to replace you. It isn’t possible to replace you.
081 – Tue, Jan 23, 2018, 8:29 PM
January 1, 2019
I don’t think I ever told you, but I used to dream about you, before you were real. It seems silly, but you always “felt” like a boy.
079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM
January 1, 2019
I remember that last visit to the midwife. You were 39 weeks and 6 days. I sat on the table, holding my enormous belly, and I told her I was ready, that everything was ready for you to come, but I was content to wait.
077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM
January 1, 2019
I’ve told people that I feel more awake now, more present. I think I’m only now beginning to understand what this fork in our road means.
073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM
December 1, 2018
These tools were available to me and I chose not to use them. I didn’t choose for you to die, but my choices did not save you. I wish that I had saved you.
063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM
November 1, 2018
I feel like I don’t even know what I’ve lost of you.
061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM
November 1, 2018
Over the past few years, I’ve come to view birthdays as a means of marking time, another year forward in the future I had planned. I had so many plans!
29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things
October 29, 2018
When my son was stillborn at 41 weeks, I came home to a complete nursery. All of his clothes were washed and sorted, his diapers laid out next to wipes and creams. And maybe it sounds counterintuitive, but I was thankful.
047 – Thu, Oct 19, 2017, 4:54 PM
October 1, 2018
My head knows I did everything I thought was right, but my heart will always wonder. Why didn’t I want to know more?
12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes
September 12, 2018
I never had to face this choice with Adrian. I never had to hold him, breathing; weigh impossible odds. I didn’t have to look into eyes gone soft and full of hurting. I didn’t get to hold his living body in my arms.
25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne
August 25, 2018
I fed her shredded chicken with my fingers this morning. The vet prescribed her steroids. She actually has an appetite. I gave her a piece of my blueberry scone. I guess it doesn’t matter now what’s good for her in the long run.
23 Aug 2018 – Windows
August 23, 2018
I see her on the other side of the glass, and my heart breaks for what we both have that the other needs.
Second Eulogy
June 30, 2018
My son, Adrian James Hernandez, was stillborn exactly one year ago today. And his loss was the first time in my life where there was nothing I could fight and nothing I could do or say. These are my reflections on the past year since his death.
A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday
June 30, 2018
A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday: When I pictured this moment during our pregnancy, I had all the typical first birthday dreams. I thought about outfits, and cute party hats, and an elephant cake you would smash more than eat. Life looks different today.
21 Jun 2018 – The After
June 21, 2018
After he died, after that scream, I shattered. It wasn’t that time flowed differently. It was a completely different life.
2 Jun 2018 – Peace
June 2, 2018
This year has been hard for me, but it’s been a clean kind of hard. Most people understand grief is a thing. Most people understand pain surrounding death. I don’t think most people understand what happens afterwards.
28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda
May 28, 2018
I didn’t ask to live here. I loved Sunshine. I had so many plans. I built my peaceful house there. But my key doesn’t fit.
Home
May 28, 2018
The city wasn’t originally my choice, but it’s where he was born, and now I’m forever tied to it. The birthplace of my firstborn child; the only place he lived before he died.
