Reflection
21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?
March 21, 2021
I realized, the other day, when I was able to tell someone in such a calm manner, “My first child was stillborn”—I realized in the contrast between now and the early days, when I literally could not form those words—This feels like an unwanted new world to me. And maybe what I have forgotten, is not my son himself, but how it felt to grieve.
Frequently Asked Questions About Therapists & Therapy After the Loss of a Child
March 18, 2021
In conjunction with two beautiful therapists, Mary from Sarah’s Heart and Diane from Diane Biggs Psychotherapy, this latest post is a compilation of frequently asked questions about therapists and therapy, specific to the child loss experience.
17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be
March 17, 2021
Partly through effort, partly through ability, I climbed my way out. I built a new world. And yet, I think I must have subconsciously felt I still had to earn it. Did the old Miranda understand that this too was a legacy?
Identities
March 12, 2021
Someone looked at this website the other day and commented that, if you didn’t know better, you wouldn’t know I was in the military. I never intended to keep this a “secret.” Mainly separate. But how much can you separate of your core identities?
My Comments at the 2021 Womens’ Air & Space Power Symposium
March 12, 2021
On 28 June 2017, I was 6 days overdue. It was the height of summer in Texas, and I blasted the AC in my home. I lay down on the couch and watched my son kicking and moving in my belly. He was so active that night! By the time I woke up the following morning, he was dead.
Flashes of Memory; Dressing for the Funeral
February 28, 2021
I remember what I wore to his funeral, primarily because I was only 11 days postpartum. Instead of wearing maternity clothing like I had planned in those early days, I had to go shopping and find something that didn’t make me look pregnant; that didn’t emphasize the curves of my body; the swelling that remained. A genuinely surreal experience.
How Do You Get Past Losing a Baby? (Quora)
February 26, 2021
The death of my child is an event that lives with me; his absence is palpable; his presence is missing. And this is when I truly began to understand this monster called grief. You ask how one gets past losing a baby, and my answer is still—no. You don’t.
Imperfect Memories; the Second Blue Line
February 22, 2021
I came across this pregnancy test, and I looked at it again. And I realized, despite so many VIVID memories, the line on the test was PINK, and not blue. What else am I misremembering? What else is lost to the imperfection of the human mind?
Life Thoughts from Subscription Boxes
January 20, 2021
I think if we believe in fate, it can cause us to look at events in a symbolic light, and maybe take things a little more hard when they go wrong. Or maybe try to find meaning in the random tragedies of life. Was Adrian *meant* to die? I can’t believe this. It makes fate sound quite cruel.
It Doesn’t Always Have to be a NEW Beginning
December 31, 2020
Sometimes I think we can get caught up in the idea of a new year being a fresh start. We look forward to everything being different on 1 January. But will it be? Are we leaving this pandemic and the rest of our lives behind us? Or do we carry these things with us into each new day?
I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase
November 17, 2020
I didn’t have much experience with death or grief prior to the death of my son, and so I’m embarrassed that I genuinely used to believe everything was “okay” right after the funeral. This is how it’s often portrayed on TV. This is wrong.
Death isn’t something you ever “get over”
November 16, 2020
In the Before, I always thought of death as a sad experience, but one whose impact would eventually fade. I know now that you never really “get over” the death of someone you love; you can only integrate the loss and pain. And this is a process that is never-ending.
Illness, Worry, & Reflections
November 12, 2020
I wonder, sometimes, where to draw the line between a “normal” amount of worry and the amount you feel for a child born after the death of your first. I don’t ever want to stifle her. My pain should never be her burden. And sometimes it just hits me—how much I’ve lost and also hold at the same time.
What Would You Rather Not Know? (Quora)
October 4, 2020
I realize, when I look back at these moments with pain, that the thing I wanted least to know, was the true value behind the relationships that seemed valuable to me. Because it wasn’t what I thought it to be. And that kind of knowledge is quite hard. The death of my son taught me who people in my life really were, and that is knowledge I would rather not know.
10 Things I Learned About Pregnancy After Loss (Pursue Today)
July 21, 2020
Pregnancy after loss is a complicated journey. These are 10 things I learned about hope, grief, fear, & love, and how my two children can coexist. (Guest post at Pursue Today.)
It’s Always 29 June; Integration in Grief
June 29, 2020
Integration is waking up in the morning because Peanut is hungry and needs to be changed. Integration is wondering what life would be like with a living second child. Integration is making plans for the future with acknowledgment that things may change. Integration is love AND sadness; grief AND joy. And it’s okay to have ALL of these things, and all at the same time.
1 June 2020
June 1, 2020
June is an intense month for me, because each June, I remember what it’s like to go in for a routine examination and be told my child has no heartbeat. My greatest wish for the world today is to understand the power of GENUINELY informed consent.
Re-Evaluation & New Priorities after the Death of a Child
February 8, 2020
I look back on that time now, and it’s like I’m looking at a different person. That old Miranda lived in a different world, where everything felt like it was possible. And even though it has been almost 3 years since then, I think a lot of people don’t understand I’m not that person anymore.
137 – Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 10:01 PM
January 1, 2020
I caught a glimpse of my tattoo in the mirror the other day. The days move so quickly lately, sometimes I forget it’s there. Sometimes I miss the burning underneath my skin, how it felt when everything was new.
136 – Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 6:40 PM
January 1, 2020
Our old house is for sale. In the photos, it looks cluttered. They have a boy and a girl, fully lived-in rooms. We wouldn’t have had that, not there. It still feels weird to look at.
Stillbirth & Statistics: What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?
September 30, 2019
When we talk about things like stillbirth, some are quick to say it’s not concern because it is relatively “rare.” But likelihood does not change impact.
Sea Lions
September 23, 2019
Walking along the pier with my daughter where I used to walk alone, I think about the drastic changes of the past two years. Despite the sweetness of her new life, I don’t feel thankful for the hardship that preceded her. Life doesn’t work that way.
124 – Tue, Sep 4, 2018, 9:00 PM
September 1, 2019
I’m feeling a bit “better” now. I don’t really know what that word means. But I woke up this morning, and it didn’t hurt to get out of bed.
122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM
July 1, 2019
If you were here, would I still feel lonely? I can’t think that my happiness rested on you.
121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM
July 1, 2019
I haven’t written, lately, because words have felt hard. I haven’t written, lately, because my attention hasn’t been focused on you. And I want to apologize, because I remember those early days when I thought I would never stop thinking about you.
119 – Wed, Jul 18, 2018, 1:10 PM
July 1, 2019
In those early days, most things were harder. But grief was easier. It was always present.
A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday
June 30, 2019
A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday: If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes. I never got to see your eyes, just your long eyelashes. These are just one of the many things I miss.
114 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:15 PM
June 1, 2019
I miss those moments now, that time when I felt complete in my grief. Because now I yearn for community, and it’s missing.
108 – Sat, May 26, 2018, 11:02 AM
May 1, 2019
I promised you I’d be okay. I’m really really trying. But sometimes I realize I didn’t know what I was promising.
