28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Miranda Hernandez
July 28, 2018

I’m Not Actively Suicidal

I’m not actively suicidal. I used to be. Today, I’m “just” sad.

I go about the tasks of my day. I shower. I do the laundry. I go to school. I am top of my class. I told all this to a friend. She reminded me that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were pretty badass as well.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I tell people I’m unhappy.

“What do you have to be unhappy about?”

I tell people I’m sad.

They ask if I’m in therapy.

I tell people I’m lonely.

They tell me I should get a hobby. I wish it could be a hobby to be sad and also surrounded by your friends.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I’m not actively suicidal, but I’m realizing this is the beginning. This is the in-between stage; this is where it starts. This is what it looks like when someone is crying out in pain and the entire world tells her, “You’re strong; you’re fine…Simply because I’ve decided you’re not allowed to be anything else.”