31 Jan 2018 – Choice

The Choice Inside Suicide (Write Your Grief) Paliku Beach Access Tree Tunnel
Paliku Beach Access Tree Tunnel, Kaua’i, Hawai’i (Miranda Hernandez)

I could talk about the sideways glances, the silent way that people disapprove. I could analyze the conversations, the glazed look that appears at any serious answer to, “how are you?” I could scream about the platitudes, or the condescending instructions to find society’s imaginary friend. I could talk about all of these things, but what I really want to say is this:

When my son died, it tore a hole inside of me. It reframed all of my thoughts about death. I used to think suicide was cowardly, escapist. I now realize there is so much more inside this conversation.

I am a new person, developing of a husk. For a long time I was no one at all. I once considered jumping off a seventh floor balcony. The fact that I didn’t was entirely my choice, and that’s what it needed to be. I chose to live. I choose to live, now, and no one else can do that for me.

Related Posts:

Life as a Grieving Mother: Suicidal Feelings After Loss
Topics Page: Mental Health After Loss
Miranda’s Blog: Awareness Isn’t Enough

💙🐘💙 Posts written as part of the Refuge in Grief writing program. 💙🐘💙
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