020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM
July 1, 2018
I had a fantasy of how it would go. I would wake up early in the morning, and it would start. I would walk to Alexis’s room and tell her, calmly, that it was time.
Letters to my dead son
- I started writing letters to Adrian during my pregnancy with him. After he died, I continued to write. It was part of the way I honored him and his memory. It was also part of how I honored myself and my identity as his mother.
019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM
July 1, 2018
I wake up in the morning, and you aren’t there. This is the worst part of my day.
018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM
July 1, 2018
I think your Aunt Alexis worries about me. I worry about me. I am going through the motions, but inside I feel helpless. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM
July 1, 2018
I think about running away. I think about starting a new life, where people don’t know, where they don’t stare at me with pity in their eyes.
016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM
July 1, 2018
Even now, everything was worth it. I will never regret anything I did to prepare for you.
015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM
July 1, 2018
I watched your tiny mouth for so long in the hospital. I can almost picture you suckling at my breast. This was supposed to be for you. Everything was supposed to be for you.
A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday
June 30, 2018
A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday: When I pictured this moment during our pregnancy, I had all the typical first birthday dreams. I thought about outfits, and cute party hats, and an elephant cake you would smash more than eat. Life looks different today.
2 Jun 2018 – Peace
June 2, 2018
This year has been hard for me, but it’s been a clean kind of hard. Most people understand grief is a thing. Most people understand pain surrounding death. I don’t think most people understand what happens afterwards.
014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM
June 1, 2018
I don’t understand it, little one. I don’t understand how you could be here, and then not. I don’t understand how you’re still in my belly, but you’re already gone. I don’t understand how the world makes sense anymore. I never got to hold you, and I miss you so much. My heart is broken.
