080 – Sat, Jan 20, 2018, 4:09 PM
January 1, 2019
I live in constant fear of the person I would become if I ever chose to live without you. I’m not capable of living without you.
Letters to my dead son
- I started writing letters to Adrian during my pregnancy with him. After he died, I continued to write. It was part of the way I honored him and his memory. It was also part of how I honored myself and my identity as his mother.
079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM
January 1, 2019
I remember that last visit to the midwife. You were 39 weeks and 6 days. I sat on the table, holding my enormous belly, and I told her I was ready, that everything was ready for you to come, but I was content to wait.
078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM
January 1, 2019
I think it would be so much easier if I believed as other people believed. It would be so much easier if I could close my eyes and know with certainty that you were listening when I said your name. It would be so nice. But it’s not real.
077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM
January 1, 2019
I’ve told people that I feel more awake now, more present. I think I’m only now beginning to understand what this fork in our road means.
076 – Wed, Jan 10, 2018, 11:47 AM
January 1, 2019
A father and son play on the beach. One of them squeals, avoiding the waves. It’s a bit warmer today. I wonder if the water is cold.
075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM
January 1, 2019
When I think of thankfulness, all I can think of is the time I had with you. The whispered conversations. The whoosh of your first movements. The tactile knowledge of your hands, and your face, and your very active feet.
073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM
December 1, 2018
These tools were available to me and I chose not to use them. I didn’t choose for you to die, but my choices did not save you. I wish that I had saved you.
072 – Sat, Dec 30, 2017, 10:51 AM
December 1, 2018
You made me a mother, and my arms ache without you. So I carry your elephant, and I wish you were here, and I think about the crazy duality of this year.
071 – Mon, Dec 25, 2017, 6:45 PM
December 1, 2018
I read these stupid memes and I want to say, “well of course my attitude must be influencing me,” but I know that can’t be true. Because there was never a moment when I didn’t feel full of love and want and excitement for you.
070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM
December 1, 2018
I think of all the signs the providers brushed off. I think of the other signs I just didn’t see. My heart hurts. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had saved you.
067 – Tue, Dec 12, 2017, 9:42 PM
December 1, 2018
I loved you from the moment I saw that second blue line. I loved you from my first dream of you. I loved you for so much longer than you were actually alive–Before, and After, and all the spaces in between.
066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM
December 1, 2018
I’ve felt like such a horrible person because I’ve been so numb this week. Now I sit in my car and my eyes fill with tears, and I realize that what I dread more than being asked if I have children is not being asked anything at all.
065 – Sat, Dec 2, 2017, 8:06 PM
December 1, 2018
This isn’t the trip I planned for us. I will always wish you were here. Sweet dreams, little one. I love you.
064 – Wed, Nov 29, 2017, 4:36 PM
November 1, 2018
Romeo gave you lots of belly kisses when I was pregnant. He will always be one of my favorite people. You should be here too.
063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM
November 1, 2018
I feel like I don’t even know what I’ve lost of you.
062 – Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 1:51 PM
November 1, 2018
Last Thanksgiving my morning sickness was so bad I couldn’t stand the smell of any food, let alone meat. I don’t know if you would have been a vegan, but you sure started out that way. Happy tofurkey day.
061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM
November 1, 2018
Over the past few years, I’ve come to view birthdays as a means of marking time, another year forward in the future I had planned. I had so many plans!
060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM
November 1, 2018
I’m awake now, and I hate it. But what I hate almost as much are the expectations on me. I eat and I sleep and I put on my uniform and people assume that because I do these things, I must be okay.
059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM
November 1, 2018
In one of my earliest conversations, my friend said something along the lines of, “Of course–there’s something so special about children; if you want to be a mother, then go forth and do.”
057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM
November 1, 2018
The Miranda from Before knew excitement. The Miranda from Before had plans. She mapped out her life and she felt you move and she lived in a world where passion equals reality. She loved you with the careless assumption that you would always be alive to treasure.
056 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 8:29 PM
November 1, 2018
I gave you my name. I wish I could have given you the world.
055 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 6:48 PM
November 1, 2018
I remember the day I found out you were real. The breathless wait, that faint second line, the way my heart jumped into my throat and I gave a little scream. I was scared to believe you were true.
054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM
November 1, 2018
They left me alone. After you were born and we had taken pictures and they checked all my vitals and everything was as okay as it was ever going to be, they all packed their things and went away.
053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM
November 1, 2018
One of the first photos I took with elephant. You should have been here.
052 – Wed, Nov 1, 2017, 8:08 PM
November 1, 2018
Sometimes I wonder if I’m angry and defensive because it’s the only way to protect your memory.
