You’re an absence I carry
December 10, 2021
Moving after my son’s death and it’s hard—although people here know he existed, he’s still an abstract concept to them, only “real” to me.
Adrian’s Elephant
- Early in my pregnancy with Adrian, I decided his nursery theme would be elephants. I had always loved the song, “Baby Mine,” from Dumbo, and I originally wanted to use Disney’s Dumbo-themed nursery set. It was unfortunately discontinued before I could purchase it, but I still planned to incorporate elephants and maybe some Disney artwork into the nursery. I think back on this today, and I realize the irony. The song I loved so much was really quite sad. I listen to it again today, and I realize it talks about the love of a mother who is separated from her child, and it feels even more appropriate for Adrian and me.
- When I was eight months pregnant, my boss's wife threw me a baby shower. And in addition to the homemade cake and Pinterest-worthy decorations, she also purchased an elephant; a cute floppy creature with striped gray knitted "fur," placed atop a beautiful diaper cake. And I was instantly in love. I placed that elephant in Adrian's "nursery"; the corner of my bedroom I had set up with his crib and dresser and other things. Shortly before he was born, I found some other elephant decorations that fit in with the decor. I was planning to incorporate them; I was planning for everything.
- After Adrian died, I held onto that elephant. Instead of being Adrian's lifelong companion, he became mine. And one of the possibly strangest things I did in those early days was to carry that elephant with me, and take photos of him everywhere, like I would have done with a living child. It was like having a tangible memento of my son. Even though Adrian had never held him, it felt important to me.
- Today, elephant is growing older. His "fur" is worn in places, much as I imagine it would be were Adrian alive. And although sometimes it is hard to see this evidence that even stuffed animals live's are fleeting, it is also comforting. Because these signs of wear are also signs that he has "lived." Adrian's elephant is an important part of our story. He always will be.
Wave of Light 2020
October 15, 2020
Celebrating the #internationalwaveoflight; 24 hours of burning flame honoring children lost too soon. Light a candle from 7-8pm every year on 15 October.
The Whirlwind of Pregnancy and Delivery After Loss
May 19, 2020
After losing Adrian to undiagnosed preeclampsia, I was terrified to experience pregnancy for a second time. Terrified, but also holding hope. And my Peanut is finally here. This is her story.
Perspective
April 5, 2020
We are all living in uncertainty. We are all scared. We are all doing the very best we can. And you have every right to your feelings, even if they seem silly.
Daydreams
April 2, 2020
I put Penny to bed tonight, and I had another image of a rambunctious toddler jumping up to join us. I can’t see his face at all, it is mostly just a feeling. A feeling like he’s just right there.
128 – Thu, May 23, 2019, 9:11 PM
January 1, 2020
They I gave her to me and she was screaming and all I could think was yes, mama loves you so much. You are a new piece of my everything. And suddenly I’m just bigger and you are still gone and I’m straddling the world in two.
126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM
January 1, 2020
And for the longest time, I couldn’t cry. And for the longest time I couldn’t cry about you. And then today, and it feels almost out of nowhere. Like it’s a full body memory, and I realized I still miss you. I’ve never stopped missing you.
Elephants and Well-Meaning Words – “It’s not your fault”
October 4, 2019
Let’s try thought experiment: Don’t think of an elephant. What are you thinking of right now? Of course, an elephant. Why? Because thoughts don’t work that way. Now think about this analogy as it applies to telling bereaved parents that their child’s death was not their fault.
Baggage
September 6, 2019
This car seat and the matching stroller were both Adrian’s. They were two of the few things that felt “okay” to use for his sister; things that would have handed down anyway. And when the car seat was ruined, I felt a surprising tug of pain. These were HIS things! I have so few of them.
17 August 2019
August 17, 2019
A heavy, beautiful day today, and Peanut is officially laughing. Forever finding that balance in all of the feelings in life after loss.
113 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:02 AM
June 1, 2019
I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I have trouble finding motivation, sometimes. These days feel uncomfortably familiar. I wonder if I’m regressing.
Third Mother’s Day
May 12, 2019
I started celebrating Mothers Day when I was pregnant with my first child. Although he was unexpectedly stillborn one month later, I was and am STILL a mother. Today, I am celebrating for the third year, pregnant and expecting my second child. Happy Mothers Day.
104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM
May 1, 2019
“i carry your heart with me. (i carry it in my heart)” – e. e. cummings
100 – Sat, May 5, 2018, 5:30 PM
May 1, 2019
Miscarriage is only what happened to my body. Stillbirth is only what happened to yours. Your death is what happened to my soul. Your death changed my whole world.
089 – Sat, Feb 17, 2018, 3:55 PM
February 1, 2019
Without you, I live in a world of unwanted freedom. I live in a world where I can pack up and head to Tahoe on a random weekend, but none of this is enough. So much of this feels empty.
077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM
January 1, 2019
I’ve told people that I feel more awake now, more present. I think I’m only now beginning to understand what this fork in our road means.
075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM
January 1, 2019
When I think of thankfulness, all I can think of is the time I had with you. The whispered conversations. The whoosh of your first movements. The tactile knowledge of your hands, and your face, and your very active feet.
072 – Sat, Dec 30, 2017, 10:51 AM
December 1, 2018
You made me a mother, and my arms ache without you. So I carry your elephant, and I wish you were here, and I think about the crazy duality of this year.
070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM
December 1, 2018
I think of all the signs the providers brushed off. I think of the other signs I just didn’t see. My heart hurts. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had saved you.
065 – Sat, Dec 2, 2017, 8:06 PM
December 1, 2018
This isn’t the trip I planned for us. I will always wish you were here. Sweet dreams, little one. I love you.
064 – Wed, Nov 29, 2017, 4:36 PM
November 1, 2018
Romeo gave you lots of belly kisses when I was pregnant. He will always be one of my favorite people. You should be here too.
062 – Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 1:51 PM
November 1, 2018
Last Thanksgiving my morning sickness was so bad I couldn’t stand the smell of any food, let alone meat. I don’t know if you would have been a vegan, but you sure started out that way. Happy tofurkey day.
061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM
November 1, 2018
Over the past few years, I’ve come to view birthdays as a means of marking time, another year forward in the future I had planned. I had so many plans!
056 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 8:29 PM
November 1, 2018
I gave you my name. I wish I could have given you the world.
055 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 6:48 PM
November 1, 2018
I remember the day I found out you were real. The breathless wait, that faint second line, the way my heart jumped into my throat and I gave a little scream. I was scared to believe you were true.
053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM
November 1, 2018
One of the first photos I took with elephant. You should have been here.
