110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM
June 1, 2019
The first night I left the house after Alexis* left, I was in a daze. I had walked these streets playing Pokemon Go not even that long ago. It felt like another lifetime.
Letters to my dead son
- I started writing letters to Adrian during my pregnancy with him. After he died, I continued to write. It was part of the way I honored him and his memory. It was also part of how I honored myself and my identity as his mother.
109 – Sun, May 27, 2018, 8:35 PM
May 1, 2019
I got called a mom today. I was with someone else’s kids, and the waiter asked me if the youngest could have another soda. “Is it okay with mom?” Pieces of normality…
108 – Sat, May 26, 2018, 11:02 AM
May 1, 2019
I promised you I’d be okay. I’m really really trying. But sometimes I realize I didn’t know what I was promising.
107 – Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM
May 1, 2019
Yoga pants in Target, and the two week wait. And I think about you. At this moment, you could already be a big brother.
106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM
May 1, 2019
I finally looked up the plot line of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Ironic that the story seems applicable to me. Ironic that I judged something that now feels maybe powerful.
105 – Mon, May 14, 2018, 9:33 PM
May 1, 2019
For a long time, my pain was the only thing I could feel. I cling to it, now. It comforts me. It’s the one thing I know will never leave.
104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM
May 1, 2019
“i carry your heart with me. (i carry it in my heart)” – e. e. cummings
103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM
May 1, 2019
This time last year, I was still pregnant. This time last year, I was probably settling down on the couch with Netflix and thinking about you. I was always thinking about you.
102 – Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM
May 1, 2019
I smile with genuine feeling. I finally feel excitement. I love her and I miss you. I realize I have given up control.
101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM
May 1, 2019
I have days when I think I’m okay. I have days when I think, “I’m healed now. I can be a normal person again.” This started out as one of those days.
100 – Sat, May 5, 2018, 5:30 PM
May 1, 2019
Miscarriage is only what happened to my body. Stillbirth is only what happened to yours. Your death is what happened to my soul. Your death changed my whole world.
099 – Wed, May 2, 2018, 7:46 PM
May 1, 2019
I see her when I close my eyes. I see her as a child and all grown up, and I think about the ways that I didn’t see you. When I dreamt of you, you were always an adult looking out of a child’s body.
098 – Thu, Apr 29, 2018, 8:58 PM
April 1, 2019
I started school this month. It’s been intense, learning to live again inside rules and structure. I can’t get up and walk away when I need to be alone with you.
096 – Tue, Apr 24, 2018, 11:09 PM
April 1, 2019
It hits me sometimes — this time last year I was still pregnant. What happened to my life? What happened to yours?
095 – Fri, Apr 13, 2018, 10:23 PM
April 1, 2019
I never thought I was the person who counted, the one making marks on tally forms. I never imagined red x’s on a calendar, and a day that both destroyed and created me.
094 – Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 11:46 PM
April 1, 2019
I hear the children playing in the daycare down the hill, and I think of you. Rosemary* is talking. She said the word, “Mama,” and I think of you.
093 – Wed, Mar 21, 2018, 4:18 PM
March 1, 2019
It’s strange how we perceive change. Today, I can walk 20,000 steps with something like ease. It’s hard to remember the challenge. The change kind of snuck up on me.
092 – Tue, Mar 20, 2018, 2:26 PM
March 1, 2019
I keep waiting for sunshine, for something to tell me life isn’t always blue. I live in shades of blue.
091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM
March 1, 2019
I have often examined the symptoms of my grief. It still feels so weird to me. The simplest things now make me cry. I examine those tears under a microscope. I examine everything, all while I’m feeling it.
090 – Sat, Feb 24, 2018, 5:12 AM
February 1, 2019
I miss you so much. It was nice to see your face in my dreams.
089 – Sat, Feb 17, 2018, 3:55 PM
February 1, 2019
Without you, I live in a world of unwanted freedom. I live in a world where I can pack up and head to Tahoe on a random weekend, but none of this is enough. So much of this feels empty.
088 – Thu, Feb 15, 2018, 6:40 PM
February 1, 2019
I was just reminded that you had dreams. I wonder what they were like?
087 – Wed, Feb 7, 2018, 4:16 PM
February 1, 2019
This is the day I found out I was having you. This is the day you became real. Everything feels like another lifetime. I love you.
086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM
February 1, 2019
I ordered flower seeds for the backyard. I ordered bluebonnets, though I heard they may not grow here. You should be sitting in bluebonnets, learning to grasp things; starting to smile and hearing me read. I should be reading to you.
085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM
February 1, 2019
If grief were a gesture, it would be hands on my heart, one flat on the other like bad CPR. My heart is still beating, I don’t need this rescue. My soul needs it though. Every part of me needs you. Sometimes, when I’m very still, I still feel you kicking.
084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM
February 1, 2019
I think a lot about the day you were due. I think about how different our lives would be.
083 – Mon, Jan 29, 2018, 5:09 AM
January 1, 2019
It feels funny to say that: I miss you. It feels like there should be another word, something that acknowledges that part of what is missing is this unrealized idea.
082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM
January 1, 2019
I think about “moving forward”. I think about “trying again”. These words are hurtful. These words feel like I’m trying to replace you. It isn’t possible to replace you.
081 – Tue, Jan 23, 2018, 8:29 PM
January 1, 2019
I don’t think I ever told you, but I used to dream about you, before you were real. It seems silly, but you always “felt” like a boy.
