Sleepless

Miranda's Blog

Miranda Hernandez
August 3, 2019

Spent the past few days going through items in storage, and tonight I can’t shake this heavy feeling. And I realize, of course, that it’s him. These were his things, and some are now his sister’s, and many are now finding new homes. And I am building life, not anew, just—continued. And after so many months of numbness, I’m starting to find again my tears. My Peanut should have a living brother. I should have a living son. It is never, ever, ever enough.

I miss you.

Categories: Miranda's Blog 2019
Tags: Crying and tears, Peanut, always two

Featured in:

Miranda’s Blog has been featured in Scary Mommy, Pregnancy After Loss Support Magazine, Love What Matters, Up Journey, and Pursue Today. You can also find her on Quora and Medium.

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Ray of sunshine above a creek flowing over a road in the wilderness

Apr17

I don’t find meaning in my son’s death. I find meaning in how I honor him after his death.

Out-of-focus close-up of a glass lamp (personal photo)

May30

Fuck June.

This May is my 6th Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring both my children this year. - Sea Glass Parenting customizable graphics

Apr27

This May is my 6th Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring BOTH my children this year.

Sometimes bad things happen.

Apr17

Sometimes Bad Things Happen

Checklist* for a natural birth: Low Risk, Doula, Midwives, Birth Plan, Bradley Method, Declined induction, Listed to your body, Trust baby's timing. *Success not guaranteed

Feb25

I did everything ‘right’ for a natural birth…And my healthy child still died

Jan30

So, it’s been a (long) minute…Miscellaneous News & Updates from Miranda

Closeup of Miranda holding Adrian's Elephant. Miranda is wearing a pink dress and tan floppy hat (personal photo)

Jan29

There is nothing wrong with ‘Dwelling’

Scripts for the Support Team: I am hearing and honoring all of your feelings.

Dec22

10 Things to Say to a Loved One after the Death of their Child

Social Media & Grief

Dec17

Social media may have a bad reputation, but it’s helped me in my grief

You're an absence I carry

Dec10

You’re an absence I carry

White flowers with yellow centers in tall green stalks (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep30

Life after loss isn’t ALWAYS about grief

Footbridge on North Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep12

Grief made me suicidal; These are 7 things I learned (Suicide Awareness & Prevention Month 2021)

Miranda's maternity photo. Miranda is wearing a pale pink form-fitting lace dress. She is sitting on an outdoor chair in a grassy backyard and is looking down at her belly while holding a flower (Modern Lux Photography)

Jun25

When I was overdue, this is what I wish I knew

Jun22

My Review of Lone Star Midwives; San Antonio, Texas

White letter paper on top on a brown envelope sitting on a dark wooden desk. The letter says, "A letter to the midwife who told me we were "fine"" in cursive lettering. There are light pink flowers and a piece of twine to the right of the letter. (Mybona, Getty Images)

Jun17

A letter to the midwife who told me we were “fine”—

Mother holding a molly bear in a bedroom. The mother is wearing a loose white patterned kimono is snuggling into the bear with eyes closed. The bear is tan, with lighter cream markings. (Liz Morales Photography)

Jun13

Here’s to the ‘Tog who Understands—

Graphic image of a green envelope holding a letter and a graphic photo of a mother holding a toddler and a stuffed elephant. The mother is wearing a long sleeved white shirt and has black hair. The toddler is wearing a light pink shirt and has medium brown hair. The background of the image is a blue gradient on top and a light blue box on the bottom. Graphic photo created by Megan Johnson; full image created in Canva

Jun03

Our family doesn’t have a “Dad”, but we are so thankful for our Timothy

Graphic art of pregnant woman standing in front of an ultrasound machine. The woman has tan skin and is wearing a green dress. She is looking down at her belly. The ultrasound machine show an image of a pink elephant on the screen (djvstock2, smalllike, & clker-free-vector-images acquired from Canva)

May30

There’s an Elephant in the Exam Room

Sharing about my deceased child doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or broken or even that I am actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

May20

STILL a Mama Bear, and STILL Pissed

Close up image of a stethoscope and a blood pressure machine (Rallef, Getty Images)

May13

It’s so much more than high blood pressure; What I wish I’d known about Preeclampsia before it killed my child

Motherhood comes in so many forms

May09

Motherhood

Stylized image of a mother lying in bed, holding her stillborn child's hand (Megan Johnson)

May02

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day 2021

North Lake Tahoe (personal photo)

Apr29

Stuck in the middle—how bereaved parents get hurt by the abortion conversation

A light gray stuffed elephant nestled between sage-green military boots

Mar12

Identities

Miranda's black chiffon top and striped black and white skirt on the day of Adrian's funeral (Modern Lux Photographt)

Feb28

Flashes of Memory; Dressing for the Funeral

How do you get past losing a baby? You don't.

Feb26

How Do You Get Past Losing a Baby? (Quora)

I loved you from the moment I saw that second blue line.

Feb22

Imperfect Memories; the Second Blue Line

Four-year-old girl sitting outside with her stuffed animal tiger. Image is close-up mainly of tiger in girl's arms (FamilyFotographer, Getty Images)

Feb05

No, Daniel Tiger, Grown-Ups DON’T Always Come Back

Miranda wearing her bracelets with an elephant charm.

Jan20

Life Thoughts from Subscription Boxes

"It doesn't always have to be a NEW beginning." overlaid on the Adrian's Elephant necklace photo (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec31

It Doesn’t Always Have to be a NEW Beginning

Dried wild plants in North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec29

Growing, Evolving…And Also Staying the Same

Close up of a white flower with skinny pointed petals, taken in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec06

The Words We Use Matter

Miranda holding Peanut and Adrian's elephant. Peanut's hand is wrapped around Adrian's elephant.

Nov12

Illness, Worry, & Reflections

Collage of pictures of pregnant woman and woman with child with title of Preeclampsia & Stillbirth on the top.

Nov03

The Ways we Discuss when we Disagree

Miranda holding Adrian's elephant on the coast in California.

Oct31

Go, Go, Pause

Adrian's photo and candle in the Wave of Light, 2019

Oct15

Wave of Light 2020

View from the top of Waimea Canyon, mountains covered in fog, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Luna Kai Photography)

Oct04

What Would You Rather Not Know? (Quora)

Introducing the Sea Glass Parenting community; a community for parents after the loss of a child.

Sep30

Introducing the Sea Glass Parenting Community

Rear view of Miranda facing the ocean. Miranda is wearing a loose pink shirt and her dark hair is down on her back. (Synch Media)

Sep30

3 Years, 3 Months

White flowers on a tree (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep28

The Phone Call you Never Expect to Receive; Supporting a Loved One After the Loss of a Child

Screenshot of Scary Mommy Article "Sharing Pictures Of My Stillborn Son Is Not 'Gross'" with a photo of Adrian and Miranda in the background.

Sep26

The First Real Byline—Published in Scary Mommy

Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean that I'm stuck or broken or even that I am hurting. It simply means I am a parent.

Sep23

These are MY Words—Plagiarism in the Child Loss Community

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan established 15 October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day | In honor of all children lost too soon, please consider lighting a candle from 7-8pm in your local time zone. This will create a "wave of light" that travels around the world. | Learn more about pregnancy & infant loss and how to support a bereaved family in your life: https://AdrianJamesHernandez.com

Sep22

Getting ready for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

The Worst Part of Child Loss | Miranda holding Adrian's photo in the mountains of Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

Jul26

The Worst Part

Miranda's maternity photo with Peanut. Adrian's footprints are visible in the tattoo on Miranda's ribs (Two Little Starfish)

Jul21

10 Things I Learned About Pregnancy After Loss (Pursue Today)

Palm tree over the ocean in late afternoon in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (MIranda Hernandez)

Jul19

The grief of not getting what you didn’t want anyway

Woman using a fetal doppler at home (Trendsetter images)

Jul10

Why I Support Banning Home Fetal Dopplers (Quora)

Orange wildflowers at Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Jun29

It’s Always 29 June; Integration in Grief

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

Jun01

1 June 2020

Blue dawnflowers at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

May23

Why I Didn’t “Just Adopt”

Miranda with Adrian's elephant and Peanut's mermaid in the hospital (Sarah Perry Photography)

May19

The Whirlwind of Pregnancy and Delivery After Loss

Mother's Day message from AdrianJamesHernandez.com

May10

Mother’s Day 2020

Peanut with Adrian's Elephant

May07

Cranky

Dark red flowers in shadow in front of a bright window (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr18

The Problem With Positivity

Wildflowers in South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr17

There But for Grace

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

Apr05

Perspective

Heart in the sand, Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr02

Daydreams

Close-up image of spiky pink flower. Flower ihas both dark pink and light pink petals, and a peach center. The background is blurred. Taken in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Mar20

Why I Choose to Share Photos of My Dead Child on Social Media

Still water on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb18

What is the Worst Sound in the World? (Quora)

Bench on the shore of South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb08

Re-Evaluation & New Priorities after the Death of a Child

Cliff overlooking the ocean on a clear day (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec20

Survivor’s Bias

Sunset over the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec17

Tone

View from a butterfly cut-out, Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec12

Adrian’s Elephant Official Comment Policy, aka Things Not to Say To or About a Bereaved Parent

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec07

I Fail at Grief Olympics

Safe pregnancy booth providing resources on safe and informed pregnancy and stillbirth prevention

Nov24

Preventing Stillbirth Starts With Outreach

Wildflowers over Te Ti Bay (Miranda Hernandez)

Nov20

“It’s Not Your Fault”

Pylons under a pier in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Oct07

Why you shouldn’t ask a bereaved parent if they plan to “try again”

Found art of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Oct05

From one mother to another: A letter to the pregnant mother from one who is bereaved

Famous rock formation in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand. The feature is called Piercy Island, and is known for the "Hole in the Rock," but it looks like an elephant to me (Miranda Hernandez)

Oct04

Elephants and Well-Meaning Words – “It’s not your fault”

Sunset over Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep30

Stillbirth and Statistics: What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?

Tree branches over the Kawai'i coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep26

Imagination

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep23

Sea Lions

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

Sep16

More Than One Spectrum

Tree limbs over a pond (Miranda Hernandez)

Sep09

Awareness Isn’t Enough – Preventing Suicide Starts with Understanding

Adrian's Elephant in his and Peanut's car seat

Sep06

Baggage

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

Aug17

17 August 2019

Flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Aug06

The Things We Don’t Want to be True; Separating Victims of Tragedy from Ourselves

Quarters on tile (Miranda Hernandez)

Aug02

Charlie’s Accident

Draft email (Miranda Hernandez)

Jul12

Two Birthdays

Bench on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago (Miranda Hernandez)

Jul08

The bluntness I wish I could share where it’s needed

Adrian and Elephant

Jun30

A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday

Literature about tracking fetal movements (Miranda Hernandez)

Jun18

#MovementsMatter, Today and Always

Peanut's feet with Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

Jun17

First

Fenced walkway at Hatley Castle, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Jun15

Paperwork and Taxes

Peanut and Adrian's Elephant (Sarah Perry Photography)

Jun12

Pregnancy after Loss & Peanut’s Birth Story

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid (4th Trimester Bodies Project)

May12

Third Mother’s Day

Daisies in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

May08

From one mother to another; a letter to the recently bereaved

Ariel view of the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr29

When you’re going through tough times, remember that life is about so much more than feel-good messages you read online

Mountains of Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr23

Warning Signs Prior to Adrian’s Stillbirth

Fog on the ocean in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr11

Sometimes I DO want to give up, and you can’t “fix” that

A duck and its reflection, Assiniboine Park, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr10

My experience with the 4th Trimester Bodies Project

Full moon on a dark night, with clouds in front of the moon (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr10

Midnight; Memories of Loss & Grief

Trees along the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Apr03

Pregnancy After Loss; A Parable

Flowers at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Apr02

My experience as a pseudo-rainbow baby

Sunset on the California Coast

Mar28

“Strong”

Close up image of out-of-focus lamp. The aperture has been opened wide to over-expose the image (Miranda Hernandez)

Mar28

Understanding

Valerian flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Mar21

Why I track fetal movement religiously with my second pregnancy

Orchid cactus flowers in the gardens at San Juan Bautista

Mar14

Dear Nature-Based Childbirth Educator

Fence on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Mar11

Perspective of a Non-Believer Following the Death of a Child (Quora)

View of the beach in Monterey Bay, California

Mar08

Pleasant Surprise

Close up image of a sundial in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia. The sundial is weathered and made of gray stone. There are trees with pink blossoms in the background (Miranda Hernandez)

Mar06

Why Getting Pregnant Easily Isn’t a Gift

Pier at Mission Bay Park, San Diego

Mar06

Boomerang

Pier in Paihia, New Zealand

Mar01

A Letter to My Mental Health Coordinator

Waves in Monterey Bay, California

Feb19

The Slowest Kind of Panic

Sunrise in Kaua'i. Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb15

Is Stillbirth really “Rare”? What does “Rare” even Mean?

Close up of a daisy (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb12

“If She Dies, I Die”; Grey’s Anatomy, Life, & Echoes of Grief in Pregnancy After Loss

Bridge on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb11

The Fork in the Road

Bench on the Monterey Bay Coastal Trail

Feb10

Grieving My Child Without God

Mount Douglas Park Trail, Victoria, British Columbia

Feb10

This Timeline

Close-up black and white image of Miranda's pregnant belly in a field of wildflowers. The view is focused on the right side of Miranda's belly, and Adrian's footprint tattoo is visible at the top left of the photo. (Two Little Starfish)

Feb05

Echoes; Reminders & Memories in Pregnancy After Loss

Virginsbower flowers in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia. The flowers take up the bottom left of the image, and there are out-of-focus trees in the background (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb05

It’s Not About the Sunscreen

Ruins of Cannery Row 1, Monterey, California

Feb04

Necessary Fear

Sunset over Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb04

Death and Taxes – Why the Federal Government Doesn’t Consider My Stillborn Son to be a Human Being

Miranda's maternity photo (Two Little Starfish)

Feb01

Why I am celebrating every moment of this current pregnancy

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Jan27

Please stop telling me everything is going to be “fine”

Amy Anne sitting on Miranda's bed, next to Adrian's ultrasound photos, Miranda's pregnant belly in the background (Modern Lux Photography)

Jan26

The Story of Amy Anne

Easter Lily flower (Miranda Hernandez)

Jan20

Claddagh Ring

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

Jan20

My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm

View of a small rocky island in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Jan19

Yoga on a Saturday

Rustic staircase carved into a trail in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Jan14

Hard Day

Rear view of a wooden bench looking out over Victoria, British Columbia at Sunset (Miranda Hernandez)

Jan13

Waiting Rooms

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

Jan08

8 January 2019; Two Years of Memories and Looking to the Future

Pier in South Lake Tahoe, California

Jan05

Grief Isn’t a Disease; That Quote from “The Interpreter”

Miranda on the beach in California. Miranda is wearing a dark blue and white striped dress and is facing away from the camera. Adrian's Elephant's foot is just visible in Miranda's hands. (Synch Media)

Jan01

1 January 2019

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant during Adrian's Memorial on the California coast (@saltwaterandclay)

Jul22

22 July 2018; Life is Hard but I’m Trying

Close up of healed footprint tattoo on Miranda's right ribs. Footprints are centered in the frame, and Miranda is laying on green grass with a white shirt pushed up above the tattoo (photo taken by a friend)

Jul13

Friday the 13th

Daisies and Bluebonnets on Adrian's casket (Modern Lux Photography)

Jul11

11 July 2018; Memories of Adrian’s Funeral

Trail in Pinnacles National Park, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Jul08

Not Okay

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

Jun30

Second Eulogy

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

Jun30

A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

Adrian's Elephant

Jun28

28 June; Memories from the day before my son was stillborn

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

Jun22

22 June 2018, 9:01am; Memories about Adrian’s Due Date & Warning Signs That Were Missed

Miranda and Elephant on the beach in California

Jun21

21 June 2018, 4:58pm; Memories of my Last Prenatal Appointment before Adrian Died

Adrian's Elephant on Keālia Beach in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Jun18

18 June 2018, 8:47 pm; Living in the Calendar after Loss

Driftwood log on the shore of Nukoli'i Beach park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Jun07

Not Fucking Fair

Adrian's Elephant in the Airport (Miranda Hernandez)

May28

Home

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

May21

Sunrise

Miranda in Waimea Canyon State Park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

May04

My Seventh Trimester Body

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

Apr25

Birth

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia

Mar30

Equidistance

Annual flowers in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Mar29

A letter to my roommate, who puts up with far more than she deserves

Adrian Street sign in San Diego, California

Mar18

San Diego

View from cliffs on the California coast

Feb27

A Letter to the Woman Who Wants the “Perfect Natural Birth”

Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Feb23

I AM a Mother, Even after my Child is Gone

Adrian's things in Miranda's new home

Jan22

Humor

Roses on rocks in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia

Jan15

Everything Happens.

Bluebonnets on the California coast

Jan15

Nature Isn’t Perfect

Car tire on the road

Jan14

Second Hand

Burning candle at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Jan14

Desire

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant

Jan10

Sea Shells

Sign found on sidewalk

Jan10

Signs

Trail in Pinecrest, California

Jan04

Life

Close up of Adrian's Elephant on Miranda's lap. Miranda is wearing blue jeans and white shirt, and Elephant is sitting in her lap facing the camera (Miranda Hernandez)

Dec29

Pre-Pregnancy Jeans & the Struggle with Postpartum Weight Loss after Stillbirth

Dec23

I Drink a Lot of Tea

Sunset in Arizona

Dec02

I Miss My Phone

Rose on the ground at Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia

Dec02

I woke up out of a sound sleep with these words on my lips

Toy car hidden in the grass

Nov23

Favorite Holiday

Wildflowers and Adrian's Elephant

Nov11

On Sunlight and Strength

Bench in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Nov10

Things I Didn’t Get to Say in Response to Comments after the Death of my Child

Dahlia flowers at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Nov05

What Happens When a Type A Personality Grieves

Cherry blossoms in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Nov01

Dear Pregnant Woman in My Office

Adrian's Elephant and expired milk, Government Canyon State Natural Area, Texas (Miranda Hernandez)

Oct29

29 October 2017

Miranda with Adrian's name sign from Landon's Legacy Retreat, Whiteshell Provincial Park, Manitoba

Sep30

30 September 2017; I Will Always Love His Name

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