I woke up this morning to your sister saying, “Mama”. It’s how she usually gets my attention these days. I love the sound of it, and the way she is so demanding. When she wakes up, it’s like a hurricane has descended on the world. And I wonder — would that have been you too?
[shared_counts]I wonder so many things about you.
My letters have gotten sparse lately. It’s been strange to not feel compelled to write. In those early days, it was all I could do. And it’s not even that I’ve gone silent lately; it’s more that I am now writing about you, and the things I didn’t know; the things that could saved you.
I remember that moment in the hospital room. I remember the nurse’s sudden change in demeanor and the breathless span where I waited for what I already knew to be true. I remember the moment when the doctor looked at me and told me your heart wasn’t beating, and I just screamed, “No.” I don’t believe you.
Sometimes, I still don’t believe you.
These past years have been heavy, and sometimes my heart can’t take it. Sometimes life is so intrusive I even “forget” that you’re gone.
Some days, I am still surprised by that question, “Will you give your daughter a sibling?” As if you were never living. And this is why, when they ask me, I always mention you.
And I still have days, and random moments, when my eyes fill with tears. And I still have days, and not enough of them, when I just sit and think about you. Because you were real. You are real. And sometimes I almost see you. You fade in and out of memories. You live on in waking dreams.
~
Your sister woke me up with, “Mama” this morning, and somehow it reminds me of you. And I am thankful, and I am also heartbroken. And this is my life. With her and with you.
Happy third birthday, little man. I love you so very much.
Love,
-Mama
Related Posts:
Miranda’s Blog: It’s Always 29 June
Letters to Adrian: A Letter to my Son on Second Birthday
Letters to Adrian: A Letter to my Son on his First Birthday
