A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday: When I pictured this moment during our pregnancy, I had all the typical first birthday dreams. I thought about outfits, and cute party hats, and an elephant cake you would smash more than eat. Life looks different today.
Adrian was due on 22 June 2017, but my midwives told me due dates were only guidelines. I wish they had been more concerned, especially considering the warning signs demonstrated during that last visit.
One year ago today, I went in for my last check up with the midwives. My son was due one year ago tomorrow. They measured my belly, they checked my urine. They asked if I had any questions or concerns. Was this a formality? Because my questions were ignored, and warning signs were missed.
After he died, after that scream, I shattered. It wasn’t that time flowed differently. It was a completely different life.
I don’t think too much about actual dates, and so I missed the anniversary of my 39th week. And this is important to me, because it’s the date my providers had pushed for induction. And I wonder — if I had chosen differently, would I have a living child?
I feel more attuned now, to tragedy. It’s easier to recognize. I know there are things I should say. I should be present and strong. I would never ask someone in tragedy to be strong.
This year has been hard for me, but it’s been a clean kind of hard. Most people understand grief is a thing. Most people understand pain surrounding death. I don’t think most people understand what happens afterwards.
For more than a year after my son’s death by stillbirth, I experienced suicidal feelings and thoughts. This is my story of how I coped and finally chose to live.
As a non-believer throughout my life, I wondered if losing my child would challenged any of my spiritual feelings and beliefs. It didn’t. I held a secular funeral for my child, and even as a bereaved mother, I am comfortable with my non-religious beliefs.
One of the least-talked-about aspects of stillbirth and pregnancy loss is that postpartum bodies still carry weight & produce milk, whether you have a living child or not. This is my journey with my postpartum body after stillbirth.
Crawling out of the early days and fog of grief after the death of my child and rejoining the world is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.
After Adrian’s death, I came home from the hospital to a fully furnished nursery and without a living child. I wanted nothing more than to sleep for weeks, but I had to deal with milk, and funeral planning, and all the minutiae of being postpartum without a living child.
29 June 2017: The day my son died – When she couldn’t find a heartbeat with the doppler, I think the idea started to form in my head, but I wasn’t quite ready…I remember the doctor’s face as he said the words, “I’m sorry.” My next memory is of someone screaming. It was me.
With the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on my pregnancy and identify the signs both I am my providers should have seen before Adrian died. There were multiple problems that led to his preventable stillbirth.
The story of how I planned for conception and pregnancy as a single mother by choice (SMC), the process of becoming pregnant, and the sheer joy in looking forward to my son Adrian’s birth.
My name is Miranda Hernandez. I am a single mother by choice. My son Adrian passed away on 29 June 2017, and was stillborn the following day. I will love and honor him for the rest of my life.
I don’t understand it, little one. I don’t understand how you could be here, and then not. I don’t understand how you’re still in my belly, but you’re already gone. I don’t understand how the world makes sense anymore. I never got to hold you, and I miss you so much. My heart is broken.
I had my 40 week appointment (a day early) this morning. The midwife said you are doing well, and should be ready to join us any day now. I’m ready whenever you are.
You may wonder what I looked like while I was pregnant. I had some photos taken a few weeks ago, along with Saki and Amy Anne. I think they turned out pretty well.
I finished your nursery today. I have your crib and dresser, and a changing pad on top of your dresser. I also put away the last of your shower gifts. Everything is waiting for you to come home.
This week was hard, but it put some things into perspective for me. I’m going to meet you soon, and our lives are about to change in the most wonderful way.
Tomorrow, I’m taking a Greyhound bus to visit some good friends in Louisiana. This will be my last road trip before I finally get to meet you!
I’ve been a little more tired lately, but I’ve been keeping myself busy. I started childbirth classes about a month ago, and I’m learning a lot about you and how I hope our child birth will go.
I thought I felt some flutters a while back, but nothing I could say for definite. Then, today, I was sitting in the doctor’s office, and you–wooshed.
I’ve been feeling a lot better, so I flew to Washington D.C. this weekend to visit some old friends. We’ve all known each other for many years, and I’m glad I could spend time with them before they left the city.
The books say you like to move around a lot right now, and you did not disappoint. At one point, I even saw the bottoms of your tiny, tiny feet. I think you’re perfect 🙂
You’re a little over 10 weeks today….You have fingers and toes, and you’re growing fingernails right now. If I had an ultrasound today, you would look like a tiny little human being.
You are about the size of a blueberry now, and your arms and legs have started to grow. I started looking at nursery furniture. I’m leaning towards Dumbo.
Resources
For Bereaved Families
For Friends & Family
For Expecting Parents
For Providers
For Pregnancy & Parenting After Loss
Printable Products
FREE Customizable Greeting Cards
Sea Glass Parenting
Sea Glass Parenting Home
Sea Glass Parenting on Instagram
Sea Glass Parenting Facebook Group
Sea Glass Photography Project
Sea Glass Writing
FREE Baby Loss Journal Prompts
Sea Glass Writers Forum on Facebook
Sea Glass Writing Course
Copyright 2016-2022
Terms & Conditions • Privacy Policy
