After Letters 2017
- I wrote letters to Adrian throughout my pregnancy and after his death. This is an archive of all Letters to Adrian written in 2017.
073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM
December 1, 2018
These tools were available to me and I chose not to use them. I didn’t choose for you to die, but my choices did not save you. I wish that I had saved you.
072 – Sat, Dec 30, 2017, 10:51 AM
December 1, 2018
You made me a mother, and my arms ache without you. So I carry your elephant, and I wish you were here, and I think about the crazy duality of this year.
071 – Mon, Dec 25, 2017, 6:45 PM
December 1, 2018
I read these stupid memes and I want to say, “well of course my attitude must be influencing me,” but I know that can’t be true. Because there was never a moment when I didn’t feel full of love and want and excitement for you.
070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM
December 1, 2018
I think of all the signs the providers brushed off. I think of the other signs I just didn’t see. My heart hurts. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had saved you.
067 – Tue, Dec 12, 2017, 9:42 PM
December 1, 2018
I loved you from the moment I saw that second blue line. I loved you from my first dream of you. I loved you for so much longer than you were actually alive–Before, and After, and all the spaces in between.
066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM
December 1, 2018
I’ve felt like such a horrible person because I’ve been so numb this week. Now I sit in my car and my eyes fill with tears, and I realize that what I dread more than being asked if I have children is not being asked anything at all.
065 – Sat, Dec 2, 2017, 8:06 PM
December 1, 2018
This isn’t the trip I planned for us. I will always wish you were here. Sweet dreams, little one. I love you.
064 – Wed, Nov 29, 2017, 4:36 PM
November 1, 2018
Romeo gave you lots of belly kisses when I was pregnant. He will always be one of my favorite people. You should be here too.
063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM
November 1, 2018
I feel like I don’t even know what I’ve lost of you.
062 – Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 1:51 PM
November 1, 2018
Last Thanksgiving my morning sickness was so bad I couldn’t stand the smell of any food, let alone meat. I don’t know if you would have been a vegan, but you sure started out that way. Happy tofurkey day.
061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM
November 1, 2018
Over the past few years, I’ve come to view birthdays as a means of marking time, another year forward in the future I had planned. I had so many plans!
060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM
November 1, 2018
I’m awake now, and I hate it. But what I hate almost as much are the expectations on me. I eat and I sleep and I put on my uniform and people assume that because I do these things, I must be okay.
059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM
November 1, 2018
In one of my earliest conversations, my friend said something along the lines of, “Of course–there’s something so special about children; if you want to be a mother, then go forth and do.”
057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM
November 1, 2018
The Miranda from Before knew excitement. The Miranda from Before had plans. She mapped out her life and she felt you move and she lived in a world where passion equals reality. She loved you with the careless assumption that you would always be alive to treasure.
056 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 8:29 PM
November 1, 2018
I gave you my name. I wish I could have given you the world.
055 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 6:48 PM
November 1, 2018
I remember the day I found out you were real. The breathless wait, that faint second line, the way my heart jumped into my throat and I gave a little scream. I was scared to believe you were true.
054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM
November 1, 2018
They left me alone. After you were born and we had taken pictures and they checked all my vitals and everything was as okay as it was ever going to be, they all packed their things and went away.
053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM
November 1, 2018
One of the first photos I took with elephant. You should have been here.
052 – Wed, Nov 1, 2017, 8:08 PM
November 1, 2018
Sometimes I wonder if I’m angry and defensive because it’s the only way to protect your memory.
050 – Sun, Oct 29, 2017, 1:00 PM
October 1, 2018
This is such a bittersweet day. I loved this house. I was so excited to share it, to share my whole world with you. You would have been four months old tomorrow. You died four months ago today.
049 – Tue, Oct 24, 2017, 5:26 PM
October 1, 2018
I don’t know why I’m surprised when I cry out of nowhere. Maybe I feel disloyal for having good days?
048 – Sat, Oct 21, 2017, 8:37 PM
October 1, 2018
I’ve never been very worried about the things most people consider dangerous. I’ve deployed to war zones; I’ve gone scuba diving; I’ve shot handguns, rifles, bow and arrow.
047 – Thu, Oct 19, 2017, 4:54 PM
October 1, 2018
My head knows I did everything I thought was right, but my heart will always wonder. Why didn’t I want to know more?
046 – Sun, Oct 15, 2017, 8:09 PM
October 1, 2018
I am thankful for new connections. I am thankful to remember that all you ever knew was love.
045 – Fri, Oct 13, 2017, 6:25 PM
October 1, 2018
So many people talk about God’s plan, say that they are comforted because their child is with God, because their loss must be part of some greater meaning. It just feels like a cop out to me.
