122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM
July 1, 2019
If you were here, would I still feel lonely? I can’t think that my happiness rested on you.
Feeling empty or numb after loss
- One of the things that surprised me about grief was how often I felt empty or numb. In retrospect, I think this was my body’s way of dealing with the intensity of the emotions. It still hurt(s) when I can’t find my feelings or my tears.
121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM
July 1, 2019
I haven’t written, lately, because words have felt hard. I haven’t written, lately, because my attention hasn’t been focused on you. And I want to apologize, because I remember those early days when I thought I would never stop thinking about you.
120 – Thu, Jul 19, 2018, 12:47 PM
July 1, 2019
I remember the feel of those early days. I remember when tears were always on call. I remember when I didn’t have to close my eyes to think of you.
114 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:15 PM
June 1, 2019
I miss those moments now, that time when I felt complete in my grief. Because now I yearn for community, and it’s missing.
066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM
December 1, 2018
I’ve felt like such a horrible person because I’ve been so numb this week. Now I sit in my car and my eyes fill with tears, and I realize that what I dread more than being asked if I have children is not being asked anything at all.
049 – Tue, Oct 24, 2017, 5:26 PM
October 1, 2018
I don’t know why I’m surprised when I cry out of nowhere. Maybe I feel disloyal for having good days?
034 – Mon, Sep 25, 2017 at 8:28 PM
September 1, 2018
I felt the water rushing out of me. I noticed with such a detached feeling that it was almost like peeing, except I had no control. Then I looked down, and saw that it was all blood. My first thought was this was proof something was wrong with me. My second was that maybe I was dying.
032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM
September 1, 2018
There’s a place apart from suicide. A place where you don’t think to cause yourself harm, but neither do you have reason to live.
25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne
August 25, 2018
I fed her shredded chicken with my fingers this morning. The vet prescribed her steroids. She actually has an appetite. I gave her a piece of my blueberry scone. I guess it doesn’t matter now what’s good for her in the long run.
22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.
May 22, 2018
You were more than pain. You swept into my life and your presence promised happiness. And I hated that, because happiness wasn’t something I wanted to know. And I hate it more now, standing here, awake and oh so lonely. And this pain isn’t comforting. And this new life feels broken.
26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb
February 26, 2018
I’ve often said that those of us who have experienced tragedy live in a new layer of existence. It’s the thing that defines us now, that marks this transition to this separate world. And I almost said “different” there instead of “separate,” but this is another defining characteristic; because the only thing that is different is each of us. Because we are a world inside of a world, and we are the only ones who know.
20 Feb 2018 – Flight
February 20, 2018
I found the snow again today. I found flight, and I’m spinning, and it all came back so easily. And I watch as the children go flying down the mountain, and everything feels empty.
13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart
February 13, 2018
I write a lot about this concept of numbness. I think that before, I would have described it as a lack of feeling. “I am empty, I am numb.” I realize today it’s something quite different.
7 Feb 2018 – Beauty
February 7, 2018
This instinct for planning is painful to me. The best parts of my future are still achingly incomplete. I didn’t find him here because I carried him with me. I carry him and the world and the world is so heavy.
2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too
February 2, 2018
Death has never been my friend. The necessity of her existence is no more comfort than my own. I don’t hate her, but I look at her the way she looks at Disease. We are all harbingers. We all bring Pain.
What Happens When a Type A Personality Grieves
November 5, 2017
When a Type A personality grieves, at some point grief becomes her job. She finds old focus and determination. She reads books and attacks her grief with her previous energy.
