044 – Thu, Oct 12, 2017, 6:52 PM
October 1, 2018
I live with this anger, this endless rage. I lay still in yoga, but all the time I want to scream.
After Letters 2017
- I wrote letters to Adrian throughout my pregnancy and after his death. This is an archive of all Letters to Adrian written in 2017.
043 – Wed, Oct 4, 2017, 7:43 PM
October 1, 2018
We talk a lot about blame. Everyone says it’s not my fault. Does it really matter? Are you any less gone?
042 – Mon, Oct 2, 2017, 6:14 PM
October 1, 2018
Someone asked if I was “better” today. I don’t think she meant it to be hurtful, but I can’t fathom what she means.
041 – Sat, Sep 30, 2017 at 8:30 PM
September 1, 2018
One year ago yesterday I drove to the doctor’s office — nervous, excited, and full of such hope. I never expected you to happen so quickly, but I was ready. You were my dream.
040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM
September 1, 2018
I thought I knew everything. I knew nothing at all.
039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM
September 1, 2018
The doctor had to leave. She said she would be back, but after she left, I decided I couldn’t wait. I asked if the midwife was available. I don’t think she was supposed to be on until noon, but they called her, and she came.
035 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 11:09 AM
September 1, 2018
I’m not living, without you. My body eats and drinks and works and sleeps. I visit with it sometimes. Sometimes I visit with you. Sometimes I feel you in my arms. Sometimes I see you in visions, memories.
034 – Mon, Sep 25, 2017 at 8:28 PM
September 1, 2018
I felt the water rushing out of me. I noticed with such a detached feeling that it was almost like peeing, except I had no control. Then I looked down, and saw that it was all blood. My first thought was this was proof something was wrong with me. My second was that maybe I was dying.
033 – Tue, Sep 19, 2017 at 6:35 PM
September 1, 2018
I was supposed to start work next week. I was supposed to be home, snuggling a tiny child. I was supposed to have a life different than the one I float through now.
032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM
September 1, 2018
There’s a place apart from suicide. A place where you don’t think to cause yourself harm, but neither do you have reason to live.
031 – Fri, Sep 8, 2017 at 12:16 AM
September 1, 2018
I don’t know how long you were struggling. I felt your movements, I thought you were excited. I thought you were getting ready to come. I wish I had known. I wish I had saved you.
030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM
August 1, 2018
I packed some of your things yesterday. It’s a little like saying goodbye. I will never be ready to lose you entirely.
029 – Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM
August 1, 2018
Life is coming back to me. I hate it, it makes me feel disloyal to you. I hate feeling my mind engage, hate losing my focus on everything about you.
028 – Wed, Aug 16, 2017 at 6:07 PM
August 1, 2018
My worst regret is drinking half a can of Red Bull on those mornings I struggled to get out of bed. In that reality, I know it’s not my fault. I loved you more than life itself.
027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM
August 1, 2018
People ask if I’m suicidal, but I don’t think anyone really wants to know the truth. I think about it every day. I look out the door of our cabin and think how easy it would be. I could just jump. It scares me. I don’t think I want to die, but neither do I want to live.
026 – Sun, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:17 AM
August 1, 2018
I don’t know what I could have done differently. You were the very best part of me. And now I’m just empty.
025 – Sun, Aug 6, 2017 at 12:26 AM
August 1, 2018
I don’t sleep normally. I’m tired all day, but I have trouble at night. I often forget what day it is.
024 – Wed, Aug 2, 2017 at 6:13 PM
August 1, 2018
I’m home now, and it’s like you’re gone all over again. The tears rise up, they cover me. I am made of water. It rains.
023 – Fri, Jul 28, 2017 at 5:18 PM
July 1, 2018
It’s not normal yet. I told March it all feels like a dream, like something that just didn’t happen. I struggle to remember I was pregnant at all.
022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM
July 1, 2018
I say your name. That part is easy. I will forever love the sound of your name, the feel of it in my voice. What I can’t say is what happened to you.
021 – Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 6:24 AM
July 1, 2018
I was afraid to kiss you, when they first brought you to me. I was afraid they would think I was strange.
020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM
July 1, 2018
I had a fantasy of how it would go. I would wake up early in the morning, and it would start. I would walk to Alexis’s room and tell her, calmly, that it was time.
019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM
July 1, 2018
I wake up in the morning, and you aren’t there. This is the worst part of my day.
018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM
July 1, 2018
I think your Aunt Alexis worries about me. I worry about me. I am going through the motions, but inside I feel helpless. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM
July 1, 2018
I think about running away. I think about starting a new life, where people don’t know, where they don’t stare at me with pity in their eyes.
016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM
July 1, 2018
Even now, everything was worth it. I will never regret anything I did to prepare for you.
015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM
July 1, 2018
I watched your tiny mouth for so long in the hospital. I can almost picture you suckling at my breast. This was supposed to be for you. Everything was supposed to be for you.