A Message for Friends & Family of the Bereaved—
Our culture is weird. Grief is hard, and although death is universal, it’s also something we generally don’t talk about. When my son died, many of those closest to me said and did some really (well-intentioned but) stupid things. I don’t blame them; they were working with what they knew. I do want to make things better for those who follow.
This page is intended to be a living resource to help you better understand in order to support your loved one(s) after the loss of a child. Divided into two main sections, you can read about the experience of child loss and grief in the first section, and then view actionable things you can do to help in the second.
Please read, ask questions, and then be there for the ones you love. The absolute worst thing you can do — is nothing.
Thank you for being here,
Love,
-Miranda
Learning about Child Loss & Grief
To best support your loved one, it’s important to understand the experience of grief. Selected posts from this site are highlighted below. I also recommend reading books or other blogs about the experience of loss and grief.
- One piece I will recommend more than anything I’ve written here is “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing” by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.
- One person I will recommend as much as anything I’ve written here is Megan Devine, creator of the writing program and community that prompted many of my pieces.
Read About the Experience of Child Loss
Miranda’s Story – Single Mother by Choice to a Stillborn Child
No (Write Your Grief)
Adrian’s Birth Story (Adrian’s Story)
The Worst Sound in the World (Miranda’s Blog)
The Second Death (Write Your Grief)
Grief (Write Your Grief)
Memories (Write Your Grief)
The Condition of My Heart (Write Your Grief)
Unspoken (Write Your Grief)
Windows (Write Your Grief)
Sleepless (Miranda’s Blog)
It’s Always 29 June; Integration in Grief (Miranda’s Blog)
Read About the Experience of Grieving in Society
Dear Pregnant Woman in My Office (Miranda’s Blog)
Signs (Miranda’s Blog)
Life (Miranda’s Blog)
Prickly (Write Your Grief)
This is how I feel about life (Write Your Grief)
A Letter to my Roommate, who Puts up with Far More than she Deserves (Miranda’s Blog)
Not okay (Miranda’s Blog)
Someone Else’s Birthday (Write Your Grief)
I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them (Write Your Grief)
Dear Grace (Write Your Grief)
Two Birthdays (Miranda’s Blog)
Collections of Posts on Special Topics:
How to Support the Bereaved
This section contains some things to understand for and about the bereaved, and also some actionable suggestions you can do to help.
Before doing anything, though, my biggest recommendation is to obtain consent—despite the best of intentions, support people can sometimes cause unintentional pain when they do something the bereaved family would prefer done differently.
Please use special caution before doing things like ordering custom jewelry or moving or packing the baby’s things. These things are best accomplished without surprise.
Things to Understand for and about the Bereaved
Adrian James Hernandez Official Comment Policy, aka Things Not to Say To or About a Bereaved Parent (Miranda’s Blog)
The Phone You Never Expect to Receive; Supporting a Loved One After the Loss of a Child
Everything Happens. (Miranda’s Blog)
Grief is not a Disease (Miranda’s Blog)
Understanding (Miranda’s Blog)
The Nuclear Bomb (Write Your Grief)
Nuclear Bomb, Part 2 (Write Your Grief)
I love you. Please. (Write Your Grief)
More than 8 things (Miranda’s Blog)
Sometimes I DO want to give up, and you can’t fix that (Miranda’s Blog)
Why I Choose to Share Photos of my Dead Child on Social Media (Miranda’s Blog)
“Strong” (Miranda’s Blog)
Things I didn’t get to say (Miranda’s Blog)
Things to Avoid or use Caution before Discussing
The Problem with Positivity (Miranda’s Blog)
“It’s not your fault” (Miranda’s Blog)
Elephants and Well-Meaning Words (Miranda’s Blog)
Imagination (Miranda’s Blog)
Why you shouldn’t ask a Bereaved Parent if they plan to “Try again” (Miranda’s Blog)
Why I Didn’t “Just Adopt” (Miranda’s Blog)
Please Stop Telling me Everything is Going to be “Fine” (Miranda’s Blog)
Planned Articles about Ways to Help
The Experience of Child Loss; a Guide for Friends and Family of the Bereaved (planned article)
Requests of a Bereaved Mother for Friends and Family of the Bereaved (planned article)
Questions?
I welcome your questions, comments, or suggestions. Please contact me for any specific questions or advice.
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