Birds on the Pacific Coast in California
Birds on the Pacific Coast in California (Miranda Hernandez)

I spent the morning looking up receipts for items the movers damaged and lost in my move to my new city. I hate this. I hate filtering through these purchases, seeing photos of toys my son will never hold. This was another person, another time. This was someone who was happy and dreaming and thinking about the cheapest ways to stockpile diapers. This was a different universe.

Amazon sent me an email yesterday, “Your 8 month old: How to nurture a love of reading.” I have looked all over Amazon’s website. There is literally no way to turn these off¹. Why does our society assume that every baby lives? Why is it so hard to have the hard conversations?

I sit in a group chat with other women who have lost babies. One woman lost her babies’ father just last month. Another just spent a week in the hospital with her living son who fell suddenly ill and I just want to scream. None of this is in any way fair! And nobody talks about it. And I feel like I’m drowning in tragedy.

I wrote a letter to Target a while back. I still find myself walking through the baby aisles, thinking about things I would be buying. Should be buying. I should have a living son. I wrote a letter in response to some emailed coupons. I was nice, even. I tried to explain the pain of receiving these emails when there was no way to turn them off. I asked for some way to turn them off. As nice as the CSR was, it still feels like nobody listens. Why doesn’t anybody ever want to listen?

This isn’t the life I want to be living. This isn’t anything like what I planned. Who plans to carry a pregnancy to term, and not come home with a living child? Who plans to keep living at all with a heart broken into so many pieces?

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m not okay.

Why doesn’t anyone ever check up on me?

1 – After further research, I discovered how to turn these off. I can’t, however, stop getting suggestions for baby-related purchases.