Pregnancy After Loss

Title: Pregnancy After Loss | overlaid on image of Miranda's belly with Adrian's footprints (Two Little Starfish)
(Two Little Starfish)

Posts about pregnancy after loss.

Click here for posts about parenting after loss. | Click here for the Resources for Pregnancy & Parenting After Loss Homepage.

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Pinecrest Lake, Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM

I think of all the signs the providers brushed off. I think of the other signs I just didn’t see. My heart hurts. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had saved you.

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California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Please stop telling me everything is going to be “fine”

Please stop telling me everything is going to be fine. Because you see, I’ve heard those words before, from multiple licensed medical practitioners.

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Miranda's maternity photo (Two Little Starfish)

Why I am celebrating every moment of this current pregnancy

Unfortunately, then my son died. And I remember being so very thankful for every tangible piece I had of his memory. Not only our photos, but also our baby shower, our plans for the future; the time and energy I put into his nursery. All of this was precious to me.

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Succulents in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

I ordered flower seeds for the backyard. I ordered bluebonnets, though I heard they may not grow here. You should be sitting in bluebonnets, learning to grasp things; starting to smile and hearing me read. I should be reading to you.

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Bridge on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

The Fork in the Road

I think something that’s hard for me personally is that now that I’m pregnant for the second time, I don’t know how to also hold onto that feeling of wanting to rewrite the past.

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Waves in Monterey Bay, California

The Slowest Kind of Panic

I’ve been feeling funny all day. I can’t really put a name to it. Off-balance, yes, and a little bit sad. I’m still processing pieces of my last relationship.

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Valerian flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I Track Fetal Movement Religiously with my Second Pregnancy

I don’t write this to be condescending. I write this because I unfortunately know. I know what it’s like to think everything’s okay, and then have your entire world fall apart. I will always wish someone had said these things to me. I will always wish someone had thought I should know.

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Bike path in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Thu, Apr 29, 2018, 8:58 PM

I started school this month. It’s been intense, learning to live again inside rules and structure. I can’t get up and walk away when I need to be alone with you.

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Trees along the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Pregnancy After Loss; A Parable

Now imagine one day you were crossing the street, and you were hit by a bus. No warning, no notice; you were completely unprepared. This is obviously something that’s possible, but not the kind of thing that happens everyday. Not to most people.

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Full moon

Midnight

Every so often, when I’m snuggling Charles, I think of my son, and how things ought to be. It’s April now, and two Aprils ago I was hugely pregnant. I didn’t know it yet, but I was having a little boy.

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A duck and its reflection, Assiniboine Park, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

My Experience with the 4th Trimester Bodies Project

When I started to wake up again, I looked up the project, and realized I could participate. And I emailed Ash, and I signed up, and this past weekend, I flew to Chicago and did it. And it was one of my most beautiful experiences.

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Snow in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

I have days when I think I’m okay. I have days when I think, “I’m healed now. I can be a normal person again.” This started out as one of those days.

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Bridge in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM

I smile with genuine feeling. I finally feel excitement. I love herĀ andĀ I miss you. I realize I have given up control.

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Desert in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM

Yoga pants in Target, and the two week wait. And I think about you. At this moment, you could already be a big brother.

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Nasturtium flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Sat, Jun 16, 2018, 3:59 PM

I turned down some “really good acid” today. I never thought I’d find myself in that situation. I never thought I’d find myself in a lot of places.

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Peanut and Adrian's Elephant (Sarah Perry Photography)

13 June 2019

A little over 13 months ago, and just by chance on Mother’s Day weekend, I made my first attempt at having a second child. That attempt was unsuccessful, and the following months were complicated and painful. It wasn’t until September that I felt ready to try again. So it feels like such a different world …

13 June 2019 Read More Ā»

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Peanut's feet with Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

First

Peanut wasn’t my first pregnancy. She’s the first that a lot of people know about here. She’s the first one to receive a birth certificate, the first to draw breath and scream. I moved shortly before I started trying for her, and most people here didn’t know my history. I think many just assume.

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

17 August 2019

A heavy, beautiful day today, andĀ Peanut is officially laughing.

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Flowers at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

For the past year, I’ve told myself everyday I would do anything to have you here with me. If I could travel back in time I would do anything to convince myself we should have been inducedā€¦For the past year, I’ve told myself this, but now I realize that’s changed.

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Adrian's Elephant and his photo at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM

And for the longest time, I couldn’t cry. And for the longest time I couldn’t cry about you. And then today, and it feels almost out of nowhere. Like it’s a full body memory, and I realized I still miss you. I’ve never stopped missing you.

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Found art on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM

I find myself living in the world again, at least in pieces. And I railed and I fought and I thought maybe it would be that way forever. And I’m realizing, even when I maybe don’t want to, that somehow I am living.

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Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's feet (Sarah Perry Photography)

Thu, May 23, 2019, 9:11 PM

They I gave her to me and she was screaming and all I could think was yes, mama loves you so much. You are a new piece of my everything. And suddenly I’m just bigger and you are still gone and I’m straddling the world in two.

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