Not Okay

Trail in Pinnacles National Park, California (Miranda Hernandez)
Trail in Pinnacles National Park, California (Miranda Hernandez)

I’m having a bad day. Week. Month. Life. I’m having a bad life.

I’m not happy. I miss my son. I miss the person I used to be. I also don’t miss her. She was naive. She was wrapped up in petty concerns that feel pretty meaningless now, to me. The new me.

The Miranda from a year ago is dead. She died with Adrian. And that needs to be okay. It needs to be okay that I am a different person, that the things that used to make me happy are now different. Permanently. I am different. Permanently.

It needs to be okay that I’m not smiling. It needs to be okay that I will talk about my dead son. It needs to be okay that there will be times when I will cry. Those tears are real. They are necessary. I am unhappy, and you can’t cheer me out of it, and that needs to be okay. Because I am not okay. And that needs to be okay.

Related:

Miranda’s Blog: The Bluntness I Wish I Could Share Where it’s Needed
Write Your Grief: Prickly
Write Your Grief: This is How I Feel About Life
Write Your Grief: I Love You. Please
Write Your Grief: Fuck
Write Your Grief: That Day
Write Your Grief: Nuclear Bomb (Part 2)

💙🐘💙 Miranda’s Blog contains my thoughts on stillbirth, child loss, mental health after loss, pregnancy & parenting after loss, and thoughts on grief positivity & grief support. 💙🐘💙
View the Miranda’s Blog homepage here. | 📬 Subscribe to Updates  📬

Scroll to Top