Bay of Islands (Miranda Hernandez)

I had a hard day today. It happens sometimes. I get scared. There’s nothing wrong, not really. Just a wordless feeling. It’s easy to be overwhelmed.

I felt my daughter moving this weekend. There have been flutters for a while, but these were definite. I put my hand to the bottom of my stomach and I talked to her. “I’m so happy that you’re in there.” I’m also really scared.

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For the longest time, I dreamed of you. I saw long dark hair, and laughing eyes. You are dancing on the sand dunes, my heart was bright and full of you. I was already in love.

I remember those moments in the two-week wait. I had all the symptoms, you seemed so very real. And then when I tested, and gave a little scream. I’m so thankful to have you in my life.

And I’m also scared.

I’m scared I’m going to wake up one day, and you won’t be moving. I’m scared I’m going to lose you and not know why. I’m scared of the doctors missing something, and I’m so very careful. But I was careful with your brother, too.

He should be here.

And I’m so scared.

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I had a bad day today, and I don’t always know how to deal. I left for lunch early, sat in my car and cried. They really should have therapists on call for when you just need to talk to them. I’m not suicidal or in crisis. I’m just scared.

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We had an ultrasound appointment this afternoon. I saw you on the monitor and I almost cried. Every time I walk into an appointment, I’m scared to get bad news. And then I hear you, or I see you. You are beautiful. You are alive.

They showed me your heart, all four perfect chambers. They showed me your kidneys, your feet, your lungs. And I think about my fears, and I’m thankful for your heartbeat. It’s burned in my memory. Today, you are alive.

~

It’s been less of a hard day in the past few hours. I got to see my daughter. I had dinner with a friend. I’m still scared, still heartbroken; I will always miss her brother. I’m also feeling hope, and overwhelming love.

I think sometimes these days are necessary. There’s so much still to process. I think sometimes my fear is necessary. It’s all part of my love.

I can handle some hard days.