Sundial in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia
Sundial in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Statistics are varied, but most agree–at my age, the chances of pregnancy via IUI are believed to be between 10-20% each month. If I was with a partner, the chances could be as high as 38%, but greatly dependent upon factors such as age and medical condition. In any case, conception isn’t guaranteed. And somehow, in this slew of numbers, I am one of the “lucky ones”.

At the age of 34, I got pregnant on my very first try. I underwent a single, unmedicated IUI. It was almost as natural as intercourse. And two weeks later, I saw a second blue line, and my world changed.

Before I tried, I had been speaking with a group of other women who wanted to have children. They were single like me, but a few years older. (I was still pretty young in comparison to the bulk of the SMC crowd.) They had also been trying for several months. So when I found out I was pregnant, I was a little worried to tell them about it. Would they resent me? Would I be difficult to be around? It almost didn’t seem fair that my miracle happened so easily.

And then my son died.

I had had a relatively easy pregnancy. There were some warning signs towards the end, but I didn’t know they were serious, and my providers didn’t seem concerned. And on the morning of my 41st week of pregnancy, the day before I was supposed to talk to my providers about being induced, I went in for a routine appointment and was told my son had no heartbeat. And suddenly, my life didn’t feel like a miracle any longer.

Nine months later, I was 36, and I finally felt ready to try for a second child. I was surrounded by other women also trying to get pregnant, and many of them were having trouble. Sometimes, it really can just take time. But time is painful when you are missing your last child. And because I was almost two years older, I had no idea if pregnancy would happen again so easily for me. And so I wasn’t surprised that it didn’t happen on my first try, but then it did on my second.

Statistics are funny. I really wish someone would do a study on the chances for real, taking into account the multiple factors that contribute to fertility. I still don’t know if I’m an anomaly, or if I just got lucky. I don’t feel lucky.

After I got my positive test, I told a few friends. Most of them, also in the loss community, had been trying for months at that point, and I can understand why my news was difficult to hear. I honestly don’t know how I would have reacted in their position. Sometimes life is just hard. But now I feel isolated from those I want and need the most. And there’s really no good solution. I don’t want to bring them more pain.

So I’m pregnant now, just into my third trimester, and I’m terrified and ecstatic all at the same time. And I’m lonely, and I have so many emotions for those who can’t be with me now. And I wish there was an easy button, some way that this made sense. Because for one of the “luckiest” women in the lottery of fertility, I am also one of the loneliest. And sometimes, I think maybe I’d rather be damned.