Adrian’s Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

I’ve never been the person who counted the days, and so the intensity of this month has been surprising. I’m feeling so many memories, like a full body echo.

When I was pregnant, I used to talk to my son. I told him about life on the “outside”. I told him what I had prepared for him, what he could look forward to.

One year ago this evening, I had a similar conversation. I was 40w5d. This should have ended differently.

I remember that moment, lying on the couch. I remember that moment when he kicked for the last time. I wish I had known it would be the last time.

One year ago today, between that moment and the morning, #adrianjameshernandez died.

My son has died. I wish there was a stronger word than, “why?”

I miss you, little one. I will be thinking of you this evening. (Though to be honest, you never really leave my mind).

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