Can I be enough for my living child while I’m dying inside?

Miranda Hernandez

I’ve written about this feeling before, when I first starting thinking about Peanut, and then again when I became pregnant with her. It’s one of the things we don’t often discuss when we think about having children subsequent to loss. Because when you have children spanning both sides of the mortality divide, you find yourself also divided, and it can be hard. Who do I prioritize? Where do my feelings lie?

Related: Letters to Adrian: Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM
Related: Miranda’s Blog: The Fork in the Road

Peanut is my everything—snuggly days and slobbery kisses, and I treasure every last moment of them. And then there is Adrian—he made me a parent. He built this major part of my identity. And having both of them means I will always be divided now.

I have two children: one living, and one living in an urn. And it’s hard. It’s a hard way to parent. And I’m still doing it.⁠

I still have moments, though. Moments where I wonder if I am enough for her. Will she understand when she’s older? Will she understand what it means to have a deceased brother?⁠

Will she ever resent him?⁠
Will she ever resent me?⁠

I have these moments sometimes with my living child. Moments where I wonder if I am enough for her, trying so hard and simultaneously dying inside.

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I am as pro-choice as it is possible to be. I also believe a fetus is a person. It is possible to hold both beliefs simultaneously. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I am Pro-Choice AND I believe a fetus is a person

Feelings are always valid, Even when they aren’t rational; Even when they are "negative"; Even when other people wish you felt differently. Feelings are always valid. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Feelings are ALWAYS valid

"I'm here if you ever want to sit in awkward silence" - something good to say to people after tragedy

Support can be awkward and still be helpful

Death changes you. Permanently. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death Changes You. Permanently.

I think one of the things I've learned over the past few years since my son's death is that you never know what anyone else is going through. Even people who post on social media. Even people who are close. People keep a lot of pain below the surface. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

We have no idea what other people are going through

Informed Pregnancy Brochure describing my experience going overdue in pregnancy and outlining risks and warning signs of problems in pregnancy (side 1)

My Experience Going Overdue in Pregnancy (Brochure)

The body keeps a calendar completely separate from the mind. Some days just have to be felt. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Body Keeps a Calendar Separate from the Mind

Adoption is a beautiful, beautiful thing... It is not the "solution" to the "problems" of child loss or grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Adoption is not a “solution” to the “problems” of child loss or grief

"Dead" is not a dirty word. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Dead” is not a dirty word (B/W)

Talking about my dead child isn't a "sad" thing. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Talking about my dead child isn’t a “sad” thing

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't owe anyone any explanations—not about your loss, and not about your grief. It's okay to tell people your story is none of their business. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t owe anyone any explanations

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Question: "How are you?" Multiple choice answers: "Outstanding, Okay, Really hating this question". There is a check mark next to "Really hating this questions". -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

How are you?

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth.

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: You should be thankful for the children you have. Rewritten: Parenting after loss is an eternal balance. I am always available for babysitting or help around the house if you need a break. It's okay to tend to your grief for your missing child too. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You should be thankful for the children you have

I have grown as a person since the death of my son...But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have grown as person through the death of my son, But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Have you thought about adoption? Rewritten: I understand the idea of having children after loss is complicated. I'm never going to push you or ask you questions you aren't ready to answer. I'm here though, if you ever want to talk about it. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Have you thought about adoption?

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: At least… Rewritten: I'm so sorry this happened to you. It isn't right or fair. Nothing can make up for the loss of your child. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

At least…

I miss the days when I still believed all you needed was a good attitude. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I miss the days when I still believed all you needed was a good attitude

You are under no obligation to be healed—Not today, and not at any point in the future. It is always always ALWAYS okay not to be okay. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to be healed

This Halloween there are pumpkins missing in our house - Sea Glass Parenting

This Halloween there are Pumpkins missing in our house (Customizable!)

Original Statement: Grief is a passage, not a place to stay. Rewritten: Grief IS. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is a Passage, not a Place to Stay

Sometimes I almost "forget" he is gone... And that is its own kind of hurt. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes I almost “forget” he is gone

Death isn’t something you ever “get over”. It’s something you integrate, and then reintegrate again and again. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Death isn’t something you ever “get over”

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving and all year round. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving (Customizable!)

Thankfulness is not a cure for grief

The most biologically normal thing in the world is death. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death is biologically normal

Holidays are optional - Sea Glass Parenting

Holidays are optional

My son Adrian James should have been going back to school this week too. Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been going back to school this week too (Customizable!)

Notes for the Bereaved - You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings. You are allowed to feel anger, shame, embarrassment, or guilt. You are allowed to feel jealous. Child loss is hard. Life in general is hard, and humans are imperfect creatures. Feel whatever you need to feel. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Everything is going to be fine. Rewritten: I'm not going to tell you everything is going to be fine. I understand grief is hard, and no amount of positive thinking is going to make up for the loss of your child. So I will simply tell you that I love you, and I'm here for whatever you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Everything is going to be fine

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel. I am here to listen though, if you ever want to talk or cry or scream. -Always- - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I would never survive it. Rewritten: I haven't experienced your pain, so I can only imagine what it feels like. I am here for you though, if you ever want to talk about your experience or your child. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I would never survive it

Often when I share about my deceased child, people rush to give advice or hugs. I don't always need that, though. Often, all I really need is for you to listen. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Often all I need is for you to listen

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She is with you in spirit. Rewritten: It must be so hard that he isn't physically here with you. What do you think he might be doing today if he were? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She is with you in spirit

Original statement: "Positive vibes only." Rewritten: Authentic vibes only. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Positive Vibes Only”

Notes for the support team - Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief. We are all just figuring it out along the way.

Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief

Notes for the support team - "Good intentions" are best revealed by changing behavior you've been informed is hurtful.

“Good intentions” are best revealed by changing behavior you’ve been informed is hurtful

Life is hard, and we are all struggling at the same time. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Life is hard, and we are ALL struggling at the same time

What is safe is not always natural & What is natural is not always safe. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Natural vs. Safe

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”

There is time for everything under the sun. It is always time for grieving. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It is ALWAYS time for grieving

Notes for the Bereaved - Of course you miss them! They are gone, and they shouldn't be. Don't ever feel ashamed for that. There is no time limit on grief. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Of course you miss them!

Notes for the Support Team - Simply telling someone not to feel a certain way will never have the desired result. Instead, ask questions about their feelings. Acknowledge and understand without trying to change. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You can’t order someone to feel a certain way

Grief isn’t sadness. Grief isn’t loss. Grief is what lives in those left behind. -Miranda Hernandez. Adrian's Mother

Grief is not Sadness; Sadness is not Grief

Rare is little comfort when it happens to you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Rare” is little comfort when it happens to you

Notes for the Bereaved - There is NO time limit on grief. Take whatever time you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

There is NO Time Limit on Grief

Notes for the Support Team - Be cautious of projecting your experience or your feelings onto your loved one. Even under similar circumstances, their experience is likely to be different than yours. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Be Cautious of Projecting Your Feelings

Baby loss greeting card: I am so sorry for the death of your child. There is no place in this world or out of it that is better than in your arms. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is no better place than in your arms (Customizable sympathy card)

I constantly wish someone had told me stillbirth was SO VERY COMMON. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Wish Someone Had Told Me Stillbirth Was So Common

Notes for the Support Team - It's hard to feel sad and helpless when someone you love is struggling after loss. It's hard to sit there in the darkness and support them when they are most in pain. But if you can do that—your support means everything. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Accept that you feel helpless and you will be so much more helpful

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be a noble victim. You are allowed to be a fallible human being, just like the rest of the world. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be a noble victim

Some things have no bright side. It's okay to acknowledge that. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Some things have no bright side

Baby loss greeting card: Thinking of you and your child. You are both so loved. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of your and your child; You are both so loved (Customizable remembrance card)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let me know if I can do anything for you. Rewritten: Can I bring you dinner this evening? Can I help you with the laundry? I'm going to the store this evening; can I bring you anything? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let me know what you need

If you ask a widow about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a spouse. If you ask a bereaved parent about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a child. ...And they are both correct. Grief is not a competition. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is not a Competition

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death. #SeaGlassParenting

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death…#SeaGlassParenting

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I know how you feel… Rewritten: I don't know how you feel, but I'm here to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I know how you feel

"1 in 160" feels like such a small number until you put it in context. For the parents of a stillborn child, 1 in 160 will always be one too many. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Stillbirth is NOT “Rare”

Baby loss greeting card: I'm so sorry for your loss. Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth - Sea Glass Parenting

Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth (Customizable sympathy card)

Thanksgiving can be hard when you're grieving. It's okay if you don't feel like being thankful this year. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thanksgiving can be hard when you’re grieving

Someone should be building a snowman today. - Sea Glass Parenting

Someone should be building a snowman today (Customizable!)

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to BS you by trying to make your tragedy "better," so I'm simply going to say: This sucks & I'm here. Like, REALLY here—Not only to pick up your groceries or walk your dog, but for all of the messy parts that come with loss, too: Cancelling appointments, planning a funeral—Even if you just want to call me at 3am to vent or cry or scream—You name it and I'm here. ALWAYS. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to BS you; This Sucks (Customizable support card)

“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb.

Refusing to talk about or even consider that death happens is not going to keep it from happening. Death isn't Rumpelstiltskin. It doesn't work that way. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Refusing to Talk About Death; Death Isn’t Rumpelstiltskin

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Look on the bright side. Rewritten: I know that nothing can lessen or make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't try to point you to any bright side. Instead I will simply be here. I'm so sorry for your loss. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Look on the Bright Side

Baby loss greeting card: There is exactly one way to grieve—Your way. I am here to support you in all the ways you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is exactly one way to grieve—YOUR way (Customizable support card)

If you genuinely want to comfort a grieving person, remove these words from your vocabulary: “But”, “Strong”, “Brave”, “At Least”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If you genuinely want to comfort a bereaved person, remove these words from your vocabulary

I did not have "a stillborn". I had a stillborn CHILD; a human being. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Did not Have “A Stillborn”

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

When the night is darkest, you are loved (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I wish I could take your pain away. Rewritten: I understand your feelings are important. I would never want to minimize or try to take them away. I will always be here to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I wish I could take your pain away

My pain has a purpose. Please stop trying to take it away from me. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My pain has a purpose

Sometimes it just needs to suck. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes it Just Needs to Suck

"Babies come when they're ready." Not always. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Babies come when they’re ready”

Original Statement: Still Grieving? Still dead. Still a parent. Rewritten statement: Always grieving. Always dead. ALWAYS a parent.

Still/Always

I'm lighting a candle in honor of my son Adrian. 15 October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m lighting a candle in honor of my child (Customizable!)

Baby loss greeting card: I love you…so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. - Sea Glass Parenting

I love you so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. (Customizable sympathy card)

What's with this expectation that grief should be "reasonable"? Death certainly isn't reasonable. Grieve however you need. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Neither Death nor Grief are “Reasonable”

Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. Rewritten: Trauma is not your fault.

“Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility”

“I did it and I was fine.” This is called survivors bias. Your singular experience is neither proof nor promise that dangerous things won't hurt other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Survivor’s Bias

Gentle wishes for bereaved Dads on Father's Day. May the day be kind. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Father’s Day

There are stockings missing this Christmas - Sea Glass Parenting

There are stockings missing this Christmas (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - When someone is in the thick of grief, "someday" is pretty meaningless. Sit with them in the hard parts, today, instead. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Someday” is Meaningless

Notes for the Support Team - A good cheat sheet for pretty much any situation in which another human is upset: "That sounds hard." "Do you want to tell me about it?" "How can I help?" -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Good Cheat Sheet for Pretty Much Any Situation in Which Another Human is Upset

We don’t have to meet every deadline. We don’t have to greet every day with a perfect smile. Some days require all of my energy to throw back the covers and put my feet on the floor. And on those days, that is my something. And on others, I have learned to bargain. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to greet every day with a smile

"It's okay to not be okay as long as you don't stay that way" Rewritten: It's okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to not be okay (as long as you don’t stay that way)

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

I would paint the sky with their names if I could (Customizable remembrance card)

Prayer is appreciated… ...When it has been invited. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Prayer is appreciated…when it has been invited

Baby loss greeting card: No words will make your child's death better. So I will simply say: I'm sorry; I love you; and I'm here. - Sea Glass Parenting

No words will make your child’s death better (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Support Team - It's easy to disappear in times of tragedy. It's hard to live with yourself afterwards. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s Both Easy & Hard to Disappear After Loss

I am parenting my child after their death. I am a Sea Glass Parent. - Sea Glass Parenting

I am Sea Glass Parent; Parenting my child after their death

One of the hardest parts about pregnancy and parenting after loss: Not knowing if the children born after loss would still exist if the loss hadn't happened. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If my loss hadn’t happened, would my subsequent child still be here?

Notes for the Support Team - When you tell me I'm "strong" or "brave", it feels less like a description, and more like a command. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

When you tell me I’m “strong” or “brave”…

Statement: You're so strong. Response: Inside I am dying.

You’re so Strong!

There is no asterisk to the things that are allowed in the grief experience. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

There is no Asterisk to the things Allowed in Grief

Why shouldn’t I celebrate today, when I know that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Celebrating Today because Tomorrow isn’t Guaranteed

I think one of the hardest things I had to do was accept that grief isn't always overwhelming. Sometimes it just exists; present but not always screaming. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief isn’t always overwhelming

I have the right to feel how I feel, for as long as I feel it, regardless of circumstances or whether someone else feels differently. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have the right to feel how I feel

I too used to believe tragedy was the thing that happened to other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I too used to believe tragedy was the thing that happened to other people.

The month of October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Honoring all children lost too soon, including my child: [fill in the blank] - Sea Glass Parenting

Please Honor my Child during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (Customizable!)

When my child died, I thought about suicide - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Elephant

When my child died, I thought about Suicide

Forced positivity is toxic.

Forced Positivity is Toxic

Notes for the Support Team - It is far easier for you to reach in than it is for the bereaved to find the strength to "reach out".

“Reach Out” or Reach In?

Sometimes I'm just— Tired. An exhaustion that goes beyond the surface; an exhaustion that is more than just physical. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes, I’m just—Tired

Notes for the Bereaved - Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say to you is "This fucking sucks." Because it does. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say is, “This fucking sucks.”

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life for any reason. You are allowed to protect your own peace. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: It wasn't your fault. Rewritten: I understand emotions can be complicated, and I'm never going to tell you how you should feel. I am here though, if you ever want to talk about things. I will always be an ear to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It wasn’t your fault

Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for

Notes for the Support Team: Nothing makes it better, but doing nothing makes it worse. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Nothing you can do or say will make it “better”…But DOING nothing will make it worse

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She wouldn't want you to be sad. Rewritten: It's understandable that you are sad. He is gone and he shouldn't be. It makes sense that you will grieve as long as you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She wouldn’t want you to be sad

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: It's time to move on. Rewritten: I understand you grieve for and miss your child. What can I do to help you honor them today? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s time to move on

Notes for the Bereaved - Losing a child at any age is hard. It doesn't matter how far along you were. It doesn't matter if there was anything "wrong" with the baby or if he or she would not have been compatible with life. It doesn't even matter how many other children you have, either before or after your loss. You are always, always, ALWAYS allowed to feel whatever and however you need. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Losing a child at ANY age is hard

I am thankful for my daughter and also missing my son at the same time. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thankful AND Grieving, at the Same Time

I will always wish I could have known the color of his eyes. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I will always wish I could have known the color of his eyes

Losing Adrian taught me what some of the relationships in my life were really made of. In some cases, it was knowledge I didn't want to know. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Loss taught me what the relationships in my life are made of

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be brave. Bravery is ALWAYS a choice. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be brave

You may find it "triggering" to hear about the death of my child. Imagine how much harder it is to live with it. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Trigger Warning

Everything says it's not my fault, but does it really matter? Are you any less gone?

Can we talk about the phrase, “It’s not your fault”?

Laughter doesn't mean the grief is over - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Laughter doesn’t mean the grief is over

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely

Baby loss greeting card: Thinking of you….And holding you and your child in my heart. Please know that I love you and I am ALWAYS here for whatever you need. -Always- - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you and your child and holding you both in my heart (Customizable remembrance card)

Notes for the Support Team - Acknowledge bereaved parents on Mothers' and Fathers' Day. Parenthood NEVER ends. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Acknowledge Bereaved Parents on Mothers and Fathers Day

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original question: Why didn't you…? Rewritten: I have no idea what I would have done were I in your place. I will certainly never second-guess your decisions. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Why didn’t you…?

My child should have been starting preschool this month. #StillbirthSucks - Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been starting school this month (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - You aren't going to be perfect. Show up anyway. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You aren’t going to be perfect. Show Up Anyway.

Notes for the Bereaved - You don’t have to "heal" if you don't want to. Grief isn't a disease. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to heal if you don’t want to

We need to talk about grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

We need to talk about grief

Everywhere I go, someone is missing - Sea Glass Parenting

Everywhere I go, someone is missing

Baby loss greeting card: I know that nothing can make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't point you to any non-existent 'bright side'. Instead, I will sit with you while it hurts. - Sea Glass Parenting

Nothing can make up for the loss of your child (Customizable support card)

My daughter's birth didn't negate the existence of my son. He won't ever stop existing simply because of a living sibling. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Living child doesn’t negate the existence of one who is deceased

Sometimes I feel like the bereaved live in the "real world" and everyone else lives in the fantasy. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Bereaved Live in the Real World

I deserve enthusiastic support, both in life and in grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Deserve Enthusiastic Support Both in Life and Grief

You are always always ALWAYS allowed to feel how you feel, with no obligation to cheer up, look on the bright side, or snap out of it. Your feelings are valid and so are you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are always allowed to feel how you feel

Notes for the Support Team - Pregnancy after loss is one of the most beautifully life-affirming and also simultaneously terrifying events your loved ones can experience. If your loved one has shared this news with you, it is likely because they trust you. Be worthy of that trust. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Mirror Reality in Pregnancy After Loss

I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase

Tragedy is not a one-time event. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Tragedy is not a one-time event

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos

Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean that I'm stuck or broken or even that I am hurting. It simply means I am a parent.

Parenting in Loss; Sharing about my Deceased Child

Grief is a selfish time. But being selfish is not inherently wrong. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is a selfish time…And it should be

Even as a bereaved parent, I still don't always know the right words to say. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Bereaved Don’t Always Have Words Either

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I can't imagine… Rewritten: Try. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I can’t imagine

Notes for the Support Team - Your pain is important. Their pain is MORE important. Don't ask them to bear the burden of comforting you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Your pain is important. Their pain is MORE important.

Notes for the Bereaved - It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s not your job to make other people feel comfortable

I am thoroughly uninterested in being "strong." -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I am thoroughly uninterested in being “strong”

If a bereaved parent feels guilt or blame about their loss, simply telling them not to feel that way is not a solution. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If a bereaved parent feel guilt or blame about their loss…

What doesn't kill you... ...Still hurts like a bitch. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

What doesn’t kill you…Still hurts like a bitch

Notes for the Bereaved - I'm not going to tell you it gets better. The truth is, for some people, it doesn't. What I will tell you is that it CAN get better. There is POTENTIAL for happier days. There is hope. I hold hope for you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I’m not going to tell you it gets better

Notes for the Support Team - Children. Aren't. Replaceable. Please consider the impact of your words before you talk about things like subsequent children or adoption. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Children Aren’t Replaceable

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original Statement: Having a birthday party for a dead child is weird. Rewritten: I've never been to a birthday party for a deceased child, but I'd love to honor him in this way. How can I help? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Having a birthday party for a dead child is “weird”

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let's cheer you up. Rewritten: I understand your grief is heavy right now. I'd like to support you in whatever ways you need. Would you like to tell me about him? Or maybe we can go for a walk. Whatever you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let’s cheer you up

Dear Prenatal Provider— Please educate your patients about stillbirth. We deserve to know the facts. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Dear Prenatal Provider—Please educate your patients about stillbirth

Time doesn't "heal" anything, not by itself. Medical care and self-care can be healing, if desired. Time is only a measure of the length of the process. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Time doesn’t heal anything, not by itself

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to turn your tragedy into something beautiful. You are allowed, todays and always, simply to exist. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

No Obligation to turn Tragedy into Beauty

Baby loss greeting card: This fucking sucks. And I'm here for you in any way you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

This fucking sucks and I’m here for you (Customizable support card)

Sometimes I miss that initial innocence; the days when I thought positivity was enough to make everything go as planned. Only sometimes, though. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes I miss that initial innocence

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