I’ve been quiet for a while. I had heard the second year after loss is more difficult, and I think I’m starting to understand. Sometimes life is simply heartbreaking. Sometimes the worst thing about heartbreak is that life still goes on.

Adrian’s birthday happened in June. I held his memorial, published his site. I never thought that meant I’d be healed, but I had hoped for some measure of peace. Instead, I fell completely apart.

Relationships became difficult, work almost impossible. I pulled on the support of everything I knew. After giving serious consideration to checking myself into the hospital, I started on antidepressants. They are one of the tools currently helping me through.

When things started to feel minutely better, I had to say goodbye to one of my strongest comforts — the beautiful soul inside my Amy Anne. For weeks afterwards, I would almost forget, looking forward to seeing her face upon coming home. Loss is hard. I will always miss her. I will always miss my son.

In November I experienced another heartbreak. I don’t think dating is ever easy. I’m still working through it. I’m looking for my peace.

One of the best decisions I made was adopting a second dog. He’s a toothy, shoe-stealing handful, and I love him to absolute pieces. He holds the lightest parts of my heart.

In December, I had a break from school. I took some time to organize the house, then flew to New Zealand. It was absolutely beautiful, and I still miss the warmth. I thought I might write there, but I mostly just breathed.

~

This has been such a long year, and every time I think I’m okay, I find new heartbreak; new fears. I also find new joy.

Because the day before I said goodbye to Amy Anne, I took a chance on bringing new life into this world. And I am both terrified and ecstatic to announce that this spring, my Adrian James will become a big brother. And this is both the most scary and most beautiful thing I will ever see.

Thinking of you all with love,
-Miranda

Related:
Miranda’s Blog: The Story of Amy Anne
Miranda’s Blog: My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm
Miranda’s Blog: First
Miranda’s Blog: Pregnancy After Loss: A Parable
Miranda’s Blog: 13 June 2019 (needs to be posted)

Wed, Apr 26, 2017 at 8:04 PM

Let’s see, my munchkin. I was in Florida when I found out I was having you, and I’ve visited Houston, Maryland, and D.C. since then. Tomorrow, I’m taking a Greyhound bus to visit some good friends in Louisiana. This will be my last road trip before I finally get to meet you!

I’m definitely tired lately, and I have funny pregnant lady ankles. (If you ask me one day, I’ll show you pictures). I’m looking forward to relaxing on the bus tomorrow, and getting some extra sleep.

When I get home, I have a few more things to do before the house is all ready for your arrival. I’ve already put your crib together, though I’m somehow missing one screw. After a trip to the hardware store, I’ll finish that, and finish putting away all your clean blankets and clothes. I also bought some diapers on sale, so we’re all set for a while after you arrive.

I love you, little one!

Wed, Feb 1, 2017 at 7:53 PM

Hey little traveler,

I’ve been feeling a lot better, so I flew to Washington D.C. this weekend to visit some old friends. We’ve all known each other for many years, and I’m glad I could spend time with them before they left the city.

My friend took a few photos of my pregnant belly while we were out exploring.  We also had dinner in Chinatown for Chinese New Year. This reminded me that you and I are both year of the rooster.

I also took some time to visit your Aunt Jessica. She gave me some clothes for you, and she has many more to send later. Since she has two kids, I talk to her a lot about being a mom. It was great to see her and the little ones in person.

I’m home now, getting ready for work tomorrow. Things are going to be busy for the next few months, so I’m glad I got to take some time away. We also hit our halfway point tomorrow. I’m going to see you soon!

I love you.

~
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.