Category: Pregnancy & Parenting After Loss Graphics

Adoption is a beautiful, beautiful thing... It is not the "solution" to the "problems" of child loss or grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Adoption is not a “solution” to the “problems” of child loss or grief

Adoption is often held up as the “solution” to the “problems” of both child loss and grief. This is an unfortunate misunderstanding and oversimplification. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It is not, however, easy or automatic, or guaranteed. There is definitely no “just” about the process.

I am thankful for my daughter and also missing my son at the same time. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thankful AND Grieving, at the Same Time

I am thankful for my daughter and also missing my son at the same time. Both feelings can exist, simultaneously.

You should be thankful for the children you have

If you know a parent with both a living and deceased child, it’s something to be aware of. Because the most supportive thing you can say in that situation is to acknowledge the work that goes into raising and grieving, simultaneously.

Why shouldn’t I celebrate today, when I know that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Celebrating Today because Tomorrow isn’t Guaranteed

Pregnancy after loss can be pretty terrifying. Many people worry about celebrating such a pregnancy, for fear of what would happen if the resultant child died. I understand this. The risk and the fear are both very real. I choose to celebrate anyway.

My daughter's birth didn't negate the existence of my son. He won't ever stop existing simply because of a living sibling. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Living child doesn’t negate the existence of one who is deceased

I think on the surface this is easily understandable, and yet, somehow it’s something I have to keep repeating. I have two children, forever and always.

One of the hardest parts about pregnancy and parenting after loss: Not knowing if the children born after loss would still exist if the loss hadn't happened. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If my loss hadn’t happened, would my subsequent child still be here?

Before my daughter existed, I used to wish I could go back in time and save my son. And now, I struggle with this. Even in my imagination, it’s impossible to choose. I love BOTH of them. And I can’t have them both at the same time.

Children Aren’t Replaceable

Children are not replaceable. I know you probably don’t think they are…⁠
(DO you?)⁠⁠
I know you probably don’t think you can grab one baby out of a parent’s arms and then give them a different one with no consequence.⁠ (You DON’T think that, right?)⁠
But this is what we are sometimes hearing.⁠⁠

I have these moments sometimes with my living child. Moments where I wonder if I am enough for her, trying so hard and simultaneously dying inside. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Can I be enough for my living child while I’m dying inside?

I have 2 children: 1 living, and 1 living in an urn. It’s a hard way to parent, & I’m still doing it.⁠ I have moments, though, where I wonder if I am enough for her. Will she understand when she’s older? Will she understand what it means to have a deceased brother?⁠ Will she ever resent him or me?